It’s Fine

You don’t think it’s real

It’s fine

But don’t tell me how to feel

Minimize my pain

It’s fine

You are only adding to my shame

Point out all my flaws

It’s fine

I’m doing my best, oh wait I guess I’m a lost cause

I guess, forever alone is what I should be

It’s fine

I guess there’s no running from my destiny

Why take the time to inquire & listen to the brokeness that is me

It’s fine

And now hurt again despite taking years, I did let you in finally

Hold it all against me

It’s fine

Not like I had a choice to be beaten, starved, raped, tortured, held captive repeatly

You won’t ever understand me

It’s fine

If I could erase it all from my memory, I would but not for you, for my own sanity

All those years I didn’t learn

It’s fine

I guess now it’s too late to go back to take a different turn

You say I am no longer strong like I use to be

It’s fine

My strength is what lead me to the point of asking for help or I would cease to be

You have no idea and say I’m living a lie

It’s fine

Just once shut your mouth and try living one day thru my eyes

I have no friends, you’ve made that clear

It’s fine

I was just venting and wanted someone to just lend me an ear

My emotions are numb

It’s fine

I’ve always teetered between running & choking on a gun

I stuff the feelings deep down inside

It’s fine

It’s the only thing I learned other than to hide

Talking on the phone brings me intense anxiety

It’s fine

But you have wants and continue to care less about my emotional needs

Your temper is the go-to excuse

It’s fine

I’ll sit here reminded of what not to say next time, thanks to your clues

Two different people we are, I definitely agree

It’s fine

I just want to love, trust you and know you have my back 100% without feeling so much insanity

Not speaking a word, hopeless, shaking, exhausted, isolating, & heart still racing

It’s fine

At least With Complex PTSD I always know what I’m facing

You say we are at an impass

It’s fine

My heart is completely shattered but once again my feelings come last

Twist my words to suit you perfectly

It’s fine

I take the blame for the imperfect woman you see

We can’t move forward, go back in time or happily pretend life is great

It’s fine

Commitment has a way of twisting Love into feeling more like a trap

I doubt you took the time to actually read

It’s fine

No depth, reflection or understanding is what continues to feed the Broken Pieces that are Me

Alone

Which version do you prefer me to be?

The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly

The me that fits your perception of who I should be

The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees

It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be

One day I’m going to only have myself to please

I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand

Love me

Hate me

There is no in between

I understand though because I feel the same things

I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe

Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside

The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me

I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost

Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me

Devastation added on top of the underlying pain

Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable

What else would you expect me to do

I turn it all inside

Carrying all the burdens

Hiding all the shame

Running from the memories

At the end of the day I have no one to blame

It’s ok though because I know that pain

I feel invisible

Nothing to lose

Oh wait, that’s right

That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue

I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am

My broken pieces run far to deep

Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep

Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies

Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away

All the labels and judgment

Fill my ears

But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them

Too sensitive

Too bossy

Too picky

Too upset

Too cautious

Too angry

Too hurt

Too organized

Too right

Too wrong

Too isolated

Too weak

Too strong

Too emotional

Too tired

Too sexy

Too much

Too difficult

Too quiet

Too old

Too kind

Too loud

Too thoughtful

Too busy

Too hyper

Too complicated

Too Broken

Surrounded by all the voices

Seeming so intrigued

Fascinated by my words & wisdom

They like me

They love me

Oops once again I’ve been misled

They were only passing the time

And never again thought of me

Have you ever truly felt this alone?

Closure

I will never understand how someone that hurt you to your core feels entitled to play the victim

You don’t get to tell me how good of a person you are when I am the one living it

Like a chameleon you adjust to whoever is in the room but as soon as we are alone the sweet likeable caring lady turns to the hateful, manipulative person I’ve seen before

The best thing you ever did for me was walk away and put me up for adoption and for that I am truly thankful

Every bad thing or piece of who I am is because of you so don’t take credit for anything more than that

You had a choice and you chose to stay and subject me to mental, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of a psychopath you chose to marry and have children with

I don’t know that feeling of being daddy’s litte girl but instead I was daddy’s little toy

The scars on my body are nothing compared to devastation in my heart

The two people that were suppose to love me the most and protect me from harm are the two that showed me what love isnt suppose to feel like while harming me the most

I have forgiven but that is for my own sanity

Yes he is dead and never paid the price for what he did to me but that doesn’t negate your part in it

The excuse of being young, dumb, poor white trash doesn’t remove the scars on my body or the way it has all affected who I am

I don’t need you now I needed you then and the multiple times I’ve attempted to talk to you about it so that the broken part of me could finally release it all by speaking it out loud to someone that lived it but your pain always comes first and I’m told to leave it in the past but at some point isn’t being a mother about wishing you could ease the pain you caused so your child doesn’t face it alone

But I wouldn’t know since you told me I am not a mother

No I didn’t birth a child but again that was stolen from me because of your choices and neglect

I have never and will never come close to the mother you are and I thank God everyday because my child does not deserve that pain, abuse or betrayal

God placed a child in my life 10 years ago and I would gladly accept all of his pain so that he never has to feel it

Haven’t I paid the price enough for your choices and mistakes

How selfish can one person be to place blame, make excuses, and absolutely refuse to accept responsibility all these years later

Lash out and continue to downplay, ridicule, call me a liar, disrespectful, isolate me, while you scream, bash and point your fingers so close to my face to assert your authority that it takes every bit of self control in me to remain respectful to someone that doesn’t deserve my respect

People who tell the truth have nothing to hide and stories never change so I will never know the truth to the things I have asked about, been told, get the closure I needed or know why

You have never been the person I needed or deserved and will never be, so I will no longer allow you to steal the joy and beauty of the life God has created for me.

I am enough

I am loved

Closure

Imprisoned

As I lay here awake thinking

Keeping it all inside

They live their lives

I hate the trauma

And how it has imprisoned me

“Get over it, let it go”

It’s not even possible

How could I expect them to know

It’s weight suffocates me

At times I often struggle to breathe

I want so badly to be set free

It’s depth consumes me

My heart races

My body shaking

My lungs fail me

My stomach turns

I can’t stand still

I know it’s still chasing me

Will I ever stop running

It’s the only way I know how to deal

From birth my life has been torture

I have been fighting my whole life to stay alive despite all your efforts

You broke me mentally

You ignited my pain

You robbed me of caring

Each of these still constantly circling my brain

All I ever learned was to be fake

Hold no one accountable

It’s your fault

No one is coming to save me

How am I ever suppose to heal

This is nothing fixed with a pill

I mourn the life I never had

Wishing to be born to a different mom & dad

That doesn’t even matter

Nothing I can even do

I live today despite what they put me through

No one really knows who I am

I’m cold

I’m hateful

I’m lost

I’m broken

I often hate who I am

Those around me haven’t a clue

I spend my time hiding

So I can help mend the broken pieces that are a result of you

In the moments I think I can’t go on

When I’m lost in my mind

Tired of being strong

Tired of existing

Exhausted from fighting

Struggling just to be

The eternal suffering brings about thoughts of suicide

Drifting between the options, shoud I, could I

I’ve never taken the thoughts deeper due to fear that one day nothing will stop me

Then I will cease to be here

But In the end

Only one thought remains

I value my life more than having to continue on and carry the pain

These are the thoughts that let me live to see another day

I’m sad and tortured

I don’t know what to do

I should be used to it

Since it’s nothing new

A beautiful Angel

A horrendous devil

Both rip at my soul

Eternally conflicted

Lost somewhere in the middle

That’s where you’ll find me

Shattered pieces looking for glue

Don’t tell me to cope

Don’t say move on

Don’t tell me I’m fine

I can’t hear “leave it in the past” one more time

You would say something different if the broken was inside of you

xo

June 13, 2017

Silence

As I sit here alone, the upstairs window slightly opened, as the rain has temporarily subsided and the silence that I often seek and find comfort in, is almost unbearable as the horror of the last 30 hours consumes me. There are no calls, no texts, no helicopters circling around, no sounds of rushing water below me echoing with the most terrifying sound, no visuals before me of the frightened parents faces and neighbors sitting out of their second story windows because they don’t want to drown, there are no white bed sheets hanging to mark their presence or towels whipping back & fourth in shear desperation on the front porches around me so that they too would soon be found. The saddness, the fear, the heartbreak, the worry, and the blank stares of facing this disaster was undoubtly showing, and is a memory that I will forever carry around. An experience I never wanted but for whatever reason Hurricane Harvey has continued to disrupt, and dance around Texas, just look for the path of greatest destruction and that’s were I’ll be found.

A parade of makeshift rafts, canoes, even whole beds adorned with blow up floats, pool noodles or whatever they had laying around, something…..anything in their quiet desperation that would aid them in getting out safely to help ensure they would be floating and eventually found.

The news is no longer on blaring and enhanced with continual tornado warnings to take cover but instead now I only hear the sound of frogs loudly calling, maybe they too have been forced from their safe place or sanctuary and are looking for their families who are no where to be found.

Maybe these thoughts, questions and surreal memories are too fresh for me to process, since it’s far from being over, as I am still seeking higher ground.

August 28, 2017