Final

My heart is racing
All the emotions bubbling
My hands are shaking
I want to scream

Tears just below the surface
No one understands
I tried so hard to be patient
I held out hope for the words to come

I could have easily forgiven
But instead new damage was done
I opened my heart for her to understand
She crushed me
The words can’t be undone

It’s one thing to do it on my terms
But quite another when it is a task forced upon me
I will not be put in that situation again

The one who gave life to me
The one who tried to take life from me
The one who walked away
The one who gave me away
The one who lives happily

She made her choices
And so have I
So this is farewell, adios, and my final goodbye.



xoxo
♥️me
6/12/2018
Thebrokeninsideofme

Harvey

Well it’s been one year
Since your path of destruction danced across Texas

Like an uninvited guest
You lingered way too long
Finally your departure cleared way for sunshine and sorrow

Our community submerged but we joined together and came out fighting Bay Colony Strong

Flooded with emotion
Depleted of the basic necessities
Relying on the kindness of strangers and a few close friends/family

Grateful for surviving
But our whole life sitting on the curb
Soaking wet memories floating around
Everything reduced to nothing but an eyesore as the trash continued to pile up
Before I knew it the house was no longer visible except for the 2nd story

Unfortunately it wasn’t just isolated to us but many families shared the same horror
Seeing everything you worked so hard for sitting there damaged day after day, week after week was an unwanted daily reminder of all you lost however I tell myself to focus on the positive, be grateful it wasn’t a worse outcome and say a prayer for those that paid the ultimate cost

So many stressed, sad and heartbroken faces but can’t deal with that now because the bank, the insurance, the mortgage, the claims, FEMA, must pull it all together, document everything, take pictures, make videos, get the vehicles towed, check in daily, send emails, make calls, do demo and try to remain calm when they are all attempting to screw you over but because we are parents and the kiddos have been through enough so had to suck it up and save the tears for later and maintain my composure until he is in bed then it’s your time and you could completely lose it and breakdown

Your most cherished items can never be replaced and the sight of them covered in mold and nastiness, leaves a profound feeling of sadness
But there is so much to do so you push it way, refocus and thank God for surviving and delivering the angels that show up as complete strangers ready to help anyway they can

I am forever changed by their Kindness
Compassion
Willingness to help
For feeding my family
Delivering bottled water
Household Supplies
Prayers in the driveway
Encouragement
Doing our laundry
Just listening
And so much more

Ignorant to what we would be facing moving forward, is an understatement but I hope to never need this knowledge or experience ever again

Yes, it has only been one year
but to be honest it has felt like 10 and at other times it feels as if it was only weeks ago, when the weight of it slowly starts to consume me, I flash back to the moments of fear for so many who were close to not being found

Instead they were rescued just moments before they were out of options and they would have drowned
So many lives lost, not just those needing rescue but also those who risked it all for complete strangers to ensure they were delivered to a safe place on higher and dry ground

We, like so many others, are still not finished rebuilding, restoring, overcoming, or least of all ready, willing or able to deal with or face the overwhelming emotions, brought back a million times by each thunderstorm or heavy rainfall, that has threatened our progress and challenged our sanity ever since

We definitely lost it all
But like others in our community we just keep moving, pushing forward, thankful for the blessings, those that stepped up, showed us kindness, and made this whole nightmare a joint effort to help each other

It was the most beautiful outcome to experience and witness
No judgment
No hate
No fighting
No social media bashing
No rude comments
No asshole drivers
No typical daily distractions

Just an overwhelming effort to join together, support, aid and help your community
We all did what we could even if it was just sitting and listening or embracing a neighbor as the tears came rolling down

We were not just residents of Galveston county but instead just one big community banded together
What an incredible memory
It has been a year but I’ll always be thankful for those moments and will forever carry them with me
They were that profoundxoxo

♥️me

8/27/2018

Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough
I am reminded how strong I am
It is a comfort and curse
Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss
One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses
It is almost an internal battle
Which will prevail
When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable
Just sitting with my thoughts tonight
Struggling to find my place
The balancing game
The Inbetween
Excluded and alone
Happiness, Love and smiles
Sorrow, pain and tears
Tonight I will allow it all
However tomorrow I will put it away
Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

Thebrokeninsideofme

Complex PTSD

Do you really know what it is?
It’s so much more than a label
It’s more than a mental illness
It’s closer to a death sentence
It’s sheer terror
It’s sleepless nights
It’s guarding
It’s being on constant alert
It’s exhausting
It’s self blame
It’s not trusting
It’s fear
It’s panic
It’s a noise
It’s a smell
It’s a reminder
It’s uncontrollable crying
It’s night terrors
It’s waking up struggling to breathe
It’s isolation
It’s mental torture
It’s self destructive
It’s anger
Its nausea
It’s headaches
It’s not eating
It’s eating too much
It’s being sad
It’s shutting down
It’s fantasizing of running away
It’s getting lost in your thoughts
It’s a need to be heard but not wanting to speak
It’s procrastinating
It’s searching for a purpose
It’s clinging to unrealistic expectations
It’s losing hours & days
It’s complete disparage
It’s utter desperation
It’s chaos
It’s hiding
It’s putting others comfort above your own
It’s a lifetime of fighting
It’s being strong while feeling your weakest
It’s shifting between being totally numb to heightened awareness
It’s life or death
It’s social awkwardness
It’s paralyzing fear
It’s aimlessly wandering
It’s wearing your pain
It’s disclosing nothing
It’s having to be in control
It’s mental torture
It’s visual scars that constantly remind you
It’s like treading water
It’s physical pain
It’s backing out of commitments
It’s needing recovery time after having to be 100% present at functions
It’s pretending to be fine
It’s feeling like a burden
It’s negative voices in your head
It’s overwhelming
It’s overthinking
It’s over analyzing ever word
It’s rejection
It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin
It’s feeling like a failure
It’s trying to escape the horrid flashbacks
It’s feeling unlovable
It’s contemplating seeing another day
It’s wondering who you could have been
It’s failing
It’s self hate
It’s avoiding people
It’s not answering the phone
It’s not responding to messages
It’s closing the blinds
It’s not answering the door
It’s unforgiving
It’s panic attacks
It’s anxiety
It’s depression
It’s disassociation
It’s hating yourself
It’s restlessness
It’s excitement that turns to fear
It’s countless surgeries
It’s living around the pain
It’s sexual disfunction
It’s blinding rage
It’s damaged relationships
It’s being criticized
It’s being pushed away
It’s being excluded
It’s hopelessness
It’s the echo of your pounding heart
It’s never finding your way
It’s wishing it would take you
It’s being hypersensitive to body language
It’s feeling sorry that your spouse has to attempt to decipher your mood
It’s long days and even longer nights spent lost with no direction
It’s praying for a better day
It’s searching for a distraction
It’s knowing nothing can change
It’s watching your life as an outsider
It’s just wanting to be left alone
It’s knowing this is the best it will get
It’s finding comfort in the pain
It’s fight or flight daily
It’s lost moments
It’s rumors
It’s victim blaming
It’s hearing their whispers
It’s being called crazy
It’s judgment and being told it’s just attention seeking
It’s complex because it affects every part of who I am
It’s so much more than this EVERY SINGLE DAY
Speaking only from my perspective and experience since I live it every minute of my life.

xoxo

The Broken Inside of Me
6/12/19

Just Breathe

Some days I just want to forget

Take a step forward

Learn to be truly free

Except it continues to be difficult

Thanks to the memories that imprison me

Why is it so difficult

I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe

The darkness within tugging at me

It sits just below the surface

So many things trigger it

I just don’t understand

Why did it have to be me

Pieced together like a pretty little package

Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me

In an instant my world goes dark

Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside

In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath

Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately

Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe

Seems so simple

Should be

Just not in those moments

And not so easy

I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief

When all the broken pieces fall into place

Will they ever finally set me free

Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be

So many years, my life since birth honestly

All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories

Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me

I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me

I learned to hide make myself small

Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be

Don’t say a word of what you have seen

Followed by threats of more torture & death

I waited for an escape

I prayed for someone to come save me

Death started to feel like my only way out

I know I thought about it more than once

Wishing for eternal life ever after

The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure

A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me

Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me

My heart is racing faster

My hands are trembling and shaking

My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me

My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me

My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe

A chill of despair is beginning to consume me

If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to

It’s not something I’ve ever taken further

I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running

My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it

What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface

How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be

I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.

Written By

The Broken inside of me

Lost Somewhere Inbetween

The sun is setting

My mind begins to wander

Dissecting the day

The emotions rush back to me

Sadness

Hopelessness

Despair

Anger

Loneliness

Shame

Unable to count the times I have told myself

They hate you

You will never be good enough

You are a failure

You will always be broken

It’s your fault

They deserve better

He deserves better

You suck at everything

Why can’t you just be better

There are moments of light that soothe the pain, while distracting my thoughts

Casting a ray of sunshine

The intertwining darkness and destruction overlap

Suffocating the light and strength

Mixed emotions

Struggling to just be

As the beauty of the day dips into the darkness of night

Eternally conflicted

Struggling within

I might be lost

Still searching for peace

However, I am thankful to have seen another day

And the beauty of the sunset isn’t lost on me.

August 31, 2018


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