Quietly watching Anticipating I wander Lost in thought Desperately hoping For the peace That eludes me each night Continually seeking For something I have yet to find In the antelucan hour Between the darkness and light I find beauty Struggling An internal battle Acceptance Forgiveness Yesterhurt reminders Stealing my time Shadowing light I continue Fighting The war inside
Ever changing story Hidden amongst deceit Shaded memories Meticulously painted Carefully swaying perceptions of who she use to be Self serving quality Imprinted deep Blue, purple & green Scars left unseen Reminding me There use to be truth Distorted so prettily
I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.
I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.
I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me. I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.
I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.
Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me. Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.
Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.
The physical scars have distorted my body. But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.
I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.
If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me. She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.
But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.
You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.
I was only 7 when she abandoned me. A mother’s love,that I did not see.
Where was my protector & biggest fan.
The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can. Horribly failed me in the short time we had together. I only wished that she could have loved me better. What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction. Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.
I continue today living through all the repercussions. What a tragedy at how my life started off to be. All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.
Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.
No justice was served or consequence for them to bare Although apart they live worry free No second thought of the damage caused to me It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.
The truth never hurts Their lies disgusting Unable to rewrite history Validation arrives on shattered dreams My truth, written for all eternity
As I sit here alone, the upstairs window slightly opened, as the rain has temporarily subsided and the silence that I often seek and find comfort in, is almost unbearable as the horror of the last 30 hours consumes me. There are no calls, no texts, no helicopters circling around, no sounds of rushing water below me echoing with the most terrifying sound, no visuals before me of the frightened parents faces and neighbors sitting out of their second story windows because they don’t want to drown, there are no white bed sheets hanging to mark their presence or towels whipping back & fourth in shear desperation on the front porches around me so that they too would soon be found. The saddness, the fear, the heartbreak, the worry, and the blank stares of facing this disaster was undoubtly showing, and is a memory that I will forever carry around. An experience I never wanted but for whatever reason Hurricane Harvey has continued to disrupt, and dance around Texas, just look for the path of greatest destruction and that’s were I’ll be found.
A parade of makeshift rafts, canoes, even whole beds adorned with blow up floats, pool noodles or whatever they had laying around, something…..anything in their quiet desperation that would aid them in getting out safely to help ensure they would be floating and eventually found.
The news is no longer on blaring and enhanced with continual tornado warnings to take cover but instead now I only hear the sound of frogs loudly calling, maybe they too have been forced from their safe place or sanctuary and are looking for their families who are no where to be found.
Maybe these thoughts, questions and surreal memories are too fresh for me to process, since it’s far from being over, as I am still seeking higher ground.
2017 has come to an end, I just want to take a moment to let you know, for me this is how it’s been.
A couple of resolutions that I finally made my priority, when I put my mind to something, then you know that it isn’t a maybe but a 100% guarantee. I have worked my ass off (quite literally) to be the best possible version of me I can be. I have won some, lost some but I continue to start each day with a fresh perspective, renewed purpose and try again. I’m still proud of the better me, that I strive each day to be.
My physical health was one of those top priorities and I’m happy to report that there’s a much healthier and smaller version of me going into 2018. It’s astonishing the difference a few pounds can have on so many things. I found an amazing gym family that always sets their focus on empowering women, positive vibes, inspiring, the beauty in each member and lots of dancing, laughing, booty werk and all the sillyness that fits me perfectly.
Unfortunately I did have a few health issues that required 3 emergency surgeries and I’m still recovering from the last one. I pray it gets better and don’t lose my sight permanently.
Another focus was to dig down deep in order to sit with my anger, pain, and finally talk about some of the broken pieces that have been hidden inside for an eternity. While that has taken a toll on some relationships, finally calling someone out on their bullshit was quite therapeutic for me.
I shouldn’t have been so surprised when you waited until no one was around in order to spew all that hatred and completely obliterate every part of me but at the end of the day, you will forever stay stuck with only the memories and the knowledge that you will never again hear from me. Continue to twist the words for sympathy, turn others againist me, but please remember I know who you really are since those evil pieces were inherited by me. The difference is I turn it inward instead of using it as arsenal againist those I call family. I’ll be the scapegoat of your pretend fairytale family since you’ve paid such close attention to convince others and have a real talent for re-writing the truth out of actual history. I’m the one covered in the physical and mental scars of your choices, your mistakes, your neglect so there is no lying to me.
My little Sky bear, a true gift from God, has absolutely grown into the most perfect guy and I cherish his love, laughter and all the sweetness he shows me. I am so proud of him in so many ways, his heart, his intelligence, his strength, his ambition, his complete acceptance and the many things he has taught me. I adore his morning hugs and cuddles and the fact that I get to be his Mom, his safe place and I love him 100% unconditionally.
I’ve experienced some amazing success, loss, heartbreak but still was able to find my inner peace. I have laughed so hard that I could barely breathe. I’ve cried so hard all I could do was fall to the floor and beg God for his loving mercy.
In some of my darkest hours I found myself completely alone, I know I’m a complex person but just needed the same love and support in return that I have always shown. I’ve given up control of a few things in order to better focus my energy on those most important to me. I have realized that there is a very small number of people in this entire world that I can depend on if I’m in an emergency, go to for advice, won’t judge or share my words and accepts my crazy, silly, loud, broken and all the sharp edges that makeup the pieces that are me.
Thanks to the devastation from hurricane Harvey, I’ve lived through some terrifying and stressful moments that still continue. When you see your whole life floating under water it is a new sadness that I didn’t want to know. Trying to rebuild this house isn’t an easy task and it still doesn’t have the same warm feeling as the place I use to call my home.
We are no closer to being finished as we were a month ago, in fact the only things accomplished so far are new walls, partial flooring, and some doors half done so a long road ahead until I can finally say we are done.
Water has always been my safe place, something that provided comfort but now the rain brings back those memories of quite desperation and the fear of the unknown.
The kindness of a few people, mostly complete strangers, fed my family, provided necessities, even helped with demo when there was no one else who was here to help my family. It was a surreal feeling not knowing how I would fed my family, we were stuck, no vehicles, no kitchen, no frig or freezer so only some pantry items that didn’t get ruined and I didn’t eat for days to ensure my guys had enough because that’s what was most important to me.
Thanksgiving day came & went, we had chips & dips and went driving around since I finally had a car again to get out of the house and see some pre black Friday deals. I truly felt like a failure as a mom since that is never the thanksgiving memory I wanted him to have but couldn’t prepare him a big feast and with no invites for dinner I did the best I could with what I had.
I hope and pray that 2018 is a more joyful year and that we are able to put all the missing & broken pieces together and re-direct our focus on the hopes, dreams and make many happy memories that will bring smiles to my little family because that is what I hold close to my heart and their happiness is most important to me.
Words Poured from the soul Clarity Mystery Written outloud Kind Bold Inner thoughts Rambling True conviction Sexual tale Spilled out Stories undisclosed Final endings Splendid beginnings Once a long ago I write it all Sharing The cure for my soul
While you are judging Others are suffering Silence is a killer Implanting fear
We all just want to be accepted Be kind If negativity leads your words Don’t speak Just listen Sometimes that’s all that is needed It could save a life Something so simple Hearing the words that we are scared to say Tremendous impact
Fear Shame Self doubt Judgment These will love us to death
You have the opportunity to help someone Unconditional love Complete acceptance Aren’t we all seeking the same
Be the change Empower Inspire Accept without limitations