Pouring it out
Sorting it all out
Striking the match
Burning it down
Lost or profound
The sound of healing
Smoke billows peace
Slate wiped clean
Carrying secrets hidden deep
I am incredibly honored to have 3 pieces selected for inclusion in the anthology, Screaming from the Silence
Screaming from the Silence consists of three sections:
Stanzas from the Silence – poetry
Stories from the Silence – prose
Sketches from the Silence – visual art
Coming January 2020
I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.
I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.
I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.
I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.
Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.
Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.
The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.
I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.
If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.
But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.
You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.
I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.
Where was my protector & biggest fan.
The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.
I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.
Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.
No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.
The truth never hurts
Their lies disgusting
Unable to rewrite history
Validation arrives on shattered dreams
My truth, written for all eternity
As I sit here alone, the upstairs window slightly opened, as the rain has temporarily subsided and the silence that I often seek and find comfort in, is almost unbearable as the horror of the last 30 hours consumes me. There are no calls, no texts, no helicopters circling around, no sounds of rushing water below me echoing with the most terrifying sound, no visuals before me of the frightened parents faces and neighbors sitting out of their second story windows because they don’t want to drown, there are no white bed sheets hanging to mark their presence or towels whipping back & fourth in shear desperation on the front porches around me so that they too would soon be found. The saddness, the fear, the heartbreak, the worry, and the blank stares of facing this disaster was undoubtly showing, and is a memory that I will forever carry around. An experience I never wanted but for whatever reason Hurricane Harvey has continued to disrupt, and dance around Texas, just look for the path of greatest destruction and that’s were I’ll be found.
A parade of makeshift rafts, canoes, even whole beds adorned with blow up floats, pool noodles or whatever they had laying around, something…..anything in their quiet desperation that would aid them in getting out safely to help ensure they would be floating and eventually found.
The news is no longer on blaring and enhanced with continual tornado warnings to take cover but instead now I only hear the sound of frogs loudly calling, maybe they too have been forced from their safe place or sanctuary and are looking for their families who are no where to be found.
Maybe these thoughts, questions and surreal memories are too fresh for me to process, since it’s far from being over, as I am still seeking higher ground.
I can hear it
The violence in his tone
The anger in his expression
The intensity in his stance
The hate in the words unspoken
I just met you but I see you
The you that is cleverly hidden
I feel it
I see it
I sense every bad piece of who you are
I possess a innate ability to read between the versions of you being presented with a smile
Trauma does that
A little gift, I wish I never received
The broken pieces
The broken inside of me
Task, routines & responsibilities
Smile, nod & wave to the neighbors
Act like a normal person
Clearly everyone expects that of me
Try to hit pause long enough to take notice & appreciate all the beauty life brings
Now back to pretending
Task, routines & responsibilities
Allow space for writing, reflecting, meditation & spirituality
Task, routines & responsibilities
Wasting time, can’t think about that now
Have to start it all over
Task, routines & responsibilities
Throw in extra smiles just to switch up the routine
Repeating it all from the beginning
Task, routines & responsibilities
Again, from the top
All in my head
Walking around repeating & pretending
Attempting to prolong the ending
I feel like I’m already dead
Well it’s been one year
Since your path of destruction danced across Texas
Like an uninvited guest
You lingered way too long
Finally your departure cleared way for sunshine and sorrow
Our community submerged but we joined together and came out fighting Bay Colony Strong
Flooded with emotion
Depleted of the basic necessities
Relying on the kindness of strangers and a few close friends/family
Grateful for surviving
But our whole life sitting on the curb
Soaking wet memories floating around
Everything reduced to nothing but an eyesore as the trash continued to pile up
Before I knew it the house was no longer visible except for the 2nd story
Unfortunately it wasn’t just isolated to us but many families shared the same horror
Seeing everything you worked so hard for sitting there damaged day after day, week after week was an unwanted daily reminder of all you lost however I tell myself to focus on the positive, be grateful it wasn’t a worse outcome and say a prayer for those that paid the ultimate cost
So many stressed, sad and heartbroken faces but can’t deal with that now because the bank, the insurance, the mortgage, the claims, FEMA, must pull it all together, document everything, take pictures, make videos, get the vehicles towed, check in daily, send emails, make calls, do demo and try to remain calm when they are all attempting to screw you over but because we are parents and the kiddos have been through enough so had to suck it up and save the tears for later and maintain my composure until he is in bed then it’s your time and you could completely lose it and breakdown
Your most cherished items can never be replaced and the sight of them covered in mold and nastiness, leaves a profound feeling of sadness
But there is so much to do so you push it way, refocus and thank God for surviving and delivering the angels that show up as complete strangers ready to help anyway they can
I am forever changed by their Kindness
Willingness to help
For feeding my family
Delivering bottled water
Prayers in the driveway
Doing our laundry
And so much more
Ignorant to what we would be facing moving forward, is an understatement but I hope to never need this knowledge or experience ever again
Yes, it has only been one year
but to be honest it has felt like 10 and at other times it feels as if it was only weeks ago, when the weight of it slowly starts to consume me, I flash back to the moments of fear for so many who were close to not being found
Instead they were rescued just moments before they were out of options and they would have drowned
So many lives lost, not just those needing rescue but also those who risked it all for complete strangers to ensure they were delivered to a safe place on higher and dry ground
We, like so many others, are still not finished rebuilding, restoring, overcoming, or least of all ready, willing or able to deal with or face the overwhelming emotions, brought back a million times by each thunderstorm or heavy rainfall, that has threatened our progress and challenged our sanity ever since
We definitely lost it all
But like others in our community we just keep moving, pushing forward, thankful for the blessings, those that stepped up, showed us kindness, and made this whole nightmare a joint effort to help each other
It was the most beautiful outcome to experience and witness
No social media bashing
No rude comments
No asshole drivers
No typical daily distractions
Just an overwhelming effort to join together, support, aid and help your community
We all did what we could even if it was just sitting and listening or embracing a neighbor as the tears came rolling down
We were not just residents of Galveston county but instead just one big community banded together
What an incredible memory
It has been a year but I’ll always be thankful for those moments and will forever carry them with me
They were that profoundxoxo
Do you really know what it is?
It’s so much more than a label
It’s more than a mental illness
It’s closer to a death sentence
It’s sheer terror
It’s sleepless nights
It’s being on constant alert
It’s self blame
It’s not trusting
It’s a noise
It’s a smell
It’s a reminder
It’s uncontrollable crying
It’s night terrors
It’s waking up struggling to breathe
It’s mental torture
It’s self destructive
It’s not eating
It’s eating too much
It’s being sad
It’s shutting down
It’s fantasizing of running away
It’s getting lost in your thoughts
It’s a need to be heard but not wanting to speak
It’s searching for a purpose
It’s clinging to unrealistic expectations
It’s losing hours & days
It’s complete disparage
It’s utter desperation
It’s putting others comfort above your own
It’s a lifetime of fighting
It’s being strong while feeling your weakest
It’s shifting between being totally numb to heightened awareness
It’s life or death
It’s social awkwardness
It’s paralyzing fear
It’s aimlessly wandering
It’s wearing your pain
It’s disclosing nothing
It’s having to be in control
It’s mental torture
It’s visual scars that constantly remind you
It’s like treading water
It’s physical pain
It’s backing out of commitments
It’s needing recovery time after having to be 100% present at functions
It’s pretending to be fine
It’s feeling like a burden
It’s negative voices in your head
It’s over analyzing ever word
It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin
It’s feeling like a failure
It’s trying to escape the horrid flashbacks
It’s feeling unlovable
It’s contemplating seeing another day
It’s wondering who you could have been
It’s self hate
It’s avoiding people
It’s not answering the phone
It’s not responding to messages
It’s closing the blinds
It’s not answering the door
It’s panic attacks
It’s hating yourself
It’s excitement that turns to fear
It’s countless surgeries
It’s living around the pain
It’s sexual disfunction
It’s blinding rage
It’s damaged relationships
It’s being criticized
It’s being pushed away
It’s being excluded
It’s the echo of your pounding heart
It’s never finding your way
It’s wishing it would take you
It’s being hypersensitive to body language
It’s feeling sorry that your spouse has to attempt to decipher your mood
It’s long days and even longer nights spent lost with no direction
It’s praying for a better day
It’s searching for a distraction
It’s knowing nothing can change
It’s watching your life as an outsider
It’s just wanting to be left alone
It’s knowing this is the best it will get
It’s finding comfort in the pain
It’s fight or flight daily
It’s lost moments
It’s victim blaming
It’s hearing their whispers
It’s being called crazy
It’s judgment and being told it’s just attention seeking
It’s complex because it affects every part of who I am
It’s so much more than this EVERY SINGLE DAY
Speaking only from my perspective and experience since I live it every minute of my life.
The Broken Inside of Me
Continue reading “Complex PTSD”
Some days I just want to forget
Take a step forward
Learn to be truly free
Except it continues to be difficult
Thanks to the memories that imprison me
Why is it so difficult
I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe
The darkness within tugging at me
It sits just below the surface
So many things trigger it
I just don’t understand
Why did it have to be me
Pieced together like a pretty little package
Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me
In an instant my world goes dark
Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside
In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath
Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately
Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe
Seems so simple
Just not in those moments
And not so easy
I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief
When all the broken pieces fall into place
Will they ever finally set me free
Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be
So many years, my life since birth honestly
All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories
Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me
I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me
I learned to hide make myself small
Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be
Don’t say a word of what you have seen
Followed by threats of more torture & death
I waited for an escape
I prayed for someone to come save me
Death started to feel like my only way out
I know I thought about it more than once
Wishing for eternal life ever after
The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure
A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me
Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me
My heart is racing faster
My hands are trembling and shaking
My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me
My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me
My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe
A chill of despair is beginning to consume me
If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to
It’s not something I’ve ever taken further
I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running
My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it
What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface
How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be
I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.
The Broken inside of me