Alone

Which version do you prefer me to be?

The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly

The me that fits your perception of who I should be

The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees

It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be

One day I’m going to only have myself to please

I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand

Love me

Hate me

There is no in between

I understand though because I feel the same things

I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe

Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside

The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me

I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost

Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me

Devastation added on top of the underlying pain

Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable

What else would you expect me to do

I turn it all inside

Carrying all the burdens

Hiding all the shame

Running from the memories

At the end of the day I have no one to blame

It’s ok though because I know that pain

I feel invisible

Nothing to lose

Oh wait, that’s right

That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue

I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am

My broken pieces run far to deep

Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep

Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies

Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away

All the labels and judgment

Fill my ears

But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them

Too sensitive

Too bossy

Too picky

Too upset

Too cautious

Too angry

Too hurt

Too organized

Too right

Too wrong

Too isolated

Too weak

Too strong

Too emotional

Too tired

Too sexy

Too much

Too difficult

Too quiet

Too old

Too kind

Too loud

Too thoughtful

Too busy

Too hyper

Too complicated

Too Broken

Surrounded by all the voices

Seeming so intrigued

Fascinated by my words & wisdom

They like me

They love me

Oops once again I’ve been misled

They were only passing the time

And never again thought of me

Have you ever truly felt this alone?


SmartSelect_20191019-171132_Chrome

Definition of Insanity?

Things I am
Determined
Educated
Strong
Confident

Things I am not
Determined
Strong
Confident


The girl who has it all
The girl who wants to achieve her dreams
The girl that lets nothing and everything stop her simultaneously

A continuous cycle of the both sides of the same damn things

Launching me forward
Dragging me back

Excitment
Fear

Excelling
Hiding

Chasing
Running

Perfecting
Failing

Setting priorities
Cancelling everything

Self doubt fueled by anxiety

I can’t see what they see
The good parts
The beauty
Those words don’t exist to me

The truth of my reality

xoxo
♥️me
9/8/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Fireworks and moonlight

As everyone was so intensely focused on the fireworks display occurring around me, my attention was captured by the romantic beauty of the the moon. The soft breeze that blew an aromatic scent of jasmine and gunpowder, along with soft remnants of the vanilla coconut lotion that covers my body.

I walk alone down the sidewalk to get away from the noise and commotion, only the brightly shining stars lighting the dark path before me.

Finally, a moment of complete silence, my awareness shifts to my breath, it’s sharp and jagged, I inhale fully, then exhale slowly, practicing the art of mindfulness with deep gratitude for the moment.

I lay on the ground to widen my view so that I may focus on the simple beauty of all that is above me. A calmness enters my body, a sense of pleasure known only to me, under the moon and while laying on this ground.

This is my peace, my comfort, my safe space and where I can be so lost but also completely found.

xoxo

♥️ me

7/4/2019

Thebrokeninsideofme

Final

My heart is racing
All the emotions bubbling
My hands are shaking
I want to scream

Tears just below the surface
No one understands
I tried so hard to be patient
I held out hope for the words to come

I could have easily forgiven
But instead new damage was done
I opened my heart for her to understand
She crushed me
The words can’t be undone

It’s one thing to do it on my terms
But quite another when it is a task forced upon me
I will not be put in that situation again

The one who gave life to me
The one who tried to take life from me
The one who walked away
The one who gave me away
The one who lives happily

She made her choices
And so have I
So this is farewell, adios, and my final goodbye.



xoxo
♥️me
6/12/2018
Thebrokeninsideofme

Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough
I am reminded how strong I am
It is a comfort and curse
Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss
One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses
It is almost an internal battle
Which will prevail
When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable
Just sitting with my thoughts tonight
Struggling to find my place
The balancing game
The Inbetween
Excluded and alone
Happiness, Love and smiles
Sorrow, pain and tears
Tonight I will allow it all
However tomorrow I will put it away
Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

Thebrokeninsideofme

Giggles and Shit

I love taking pictures, like all the time, not really of people but more nature related i.e. trees, flowers, bugs, snakes, birds, the sky, stars, clouds, sunrise, sunset, the moon, and naturally occurring architectural beauty.

This is just something I enjoy doing for myself but last night my husband says he should just buy me a good camera and I could start taking pictures of people for profit. His thought process is, do something that brings you joy and earn a buck, which in his mind equates to a win win situation. My thought process, if it brings you joy don’t ruin it by trying to make it work. Also, I don’t really even like people, super strict schedules, and let’s just face it I’ve seen how the ladies in the mom’s groups shred photographers work when it is clearly evident the photos aren’t the problem and I’m not trying to deal with all that craziness, so it’s going to be a hard no from me.

So today I’m sitting on my patio while the fur babies run around, and try to sneak attack anything hidden in the jasmine along my fences, so I’m snapping pictures and all of a sudden they both run towards the fence I’m sitting like a foot from and hit it hard like gotcha snake/lizard/frog or whatever, so I flip around while I zoom my camera in as far as it goes, to see if I can determine what it is they have spotted.

A couple minutes go by and I walk down the patio to take a closer look with phone in hand, camera zoomed in and I begin surveying between/under the jasmine and the fence, I’m intently looking and quietly inching my way down the concrete sidewalk and I see movement! Ok this is it, this is the moment I’m going to snap an amazing photo, with my “super professional camera” (insert humor), so I’m switching filters to ensure I get great lighting but making sure not to lose focus on that specific area and that’s when it happened!

Out of nowhere, a strong guest of wind can barreling down the side of the patio and something grazed my leg! I slowly changed the angle of my camera focus to a downward direction while scanning the view on my screen as it attempts to focus in on whatever is near me. As the camera begins to focus more clearly, I see it, and almost simultaneously with my panic kicking in, my big dog lets out a ferocious bark that broke the silence. I was now startled by the image on the screen of my camera and the loud bark so I jumped! I also let out a little scream “oh shit it’s a snake”

I stood there for what seemed like forever, trying to determine if I should try to get a picture or hurriedly get to the back door and get myself and the doggies inside to avoid any further happenings with our visitor!

Well, I made the decision to snap a picture then go. Well the picture was too blurry, thanks to my increased heart rate and nervous hands that were shaking, but turns out it wasn’t a snake. It was a small curved branch from a plant that had some dirt on it, had some textured spots from the weather and was just the perfect thickness to resemble a snake through the onscreen view of my camera. I scared the shit out of myself for a plant and the dog barking.

Just another day here in paradise aka my 3 ring circus.

xoxo
♥️ me
6/12/2019
The Broken Inside of me

Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough

I am reminded how strong I amIt is a comfort and curse

Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss

One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses

It is almost an internal battle

Which will prevail

When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable

Just sitting with my thoughts tonight

Struggling to find my place

The balancing game

The Inbetween

Excluded and alone

Happiness, Love and smiles

Sorrow, pain and tears

Tonight I will allow it all

However tomorrow I will put it away

Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

The broken inside of me

Alone

Which version do you prefer me to be?

The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly

The me that fits your perception of who I should be

The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees

It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be

One day I’m going to only have myself to please

I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand

Love me

Hate me

There is no in between

I understand though because I feel the same things

I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe

Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside

The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me

I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost

Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me

Devastation added on top of the underlying pain

Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable

What else would you expect me to do

I turn it all inside

Carrying all the burdens

Hiding all the shame

Running from the memories

At the end of the day I have no one to blame

It’s ok though because I know that pain

I feel invisible

Nothing to lose

Oh wait, that’s right

That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue

I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am

My broken pieces run far to deep

Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep

Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies

Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away

All the labels and judgment

Fill my ears

But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them

Too sensitive

Too bossy

Too picky

Too upset

Too cautious

Too angry

Too hurt

Too organized

Too right

Too wrong

Too isolated

Too weak

Too strong

Too emotional

Too tired

Too sexy

Too much

Too difficult

Too quiet

Too old

Too kind

Too loud

Too thoughtful

Too busy

Too hyper

Too complicated

Too Broken

Surrounded by all the voices

Seeming so intrigued

Fascinated by my words & wisdom

They like me

They love me

Oops once again I’ve been misled

They were only passing the time

And never again thought of me

Have you ever truly felt this alone?


SmartSelect_20191019-171132_Chrome

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