Twas the night before Christmas out in the country Everyone was sleeping Snoring can be heard all through the house My gun close by if I were to see a mouse
The stockings are hung by the chimney with care I hope this yummy chocolate candy wasn’t meant to go in there
Out in the hall I made a big clatter Gathering all the necessities for a little late night platter
It was a long drive here And a few cappuccinos has me wired up so sleep is not near
Visions of family time, gifts and snacks While trying to remain focused while driving Singing and dodging all the deer
Now that I think about it I could really go for a beer So out on the porch I sit listening to the sounds Staring at the stars Freezing my ass off even with all my layered winter gear
Pretty sure I hear a pig, or a coyote, maybe a deer But it’s totally normal in these types of towns
I wonder if there are any bears Gasp, OMG the chupacabra could also live here Well frick I hope not If I’m not seen in the morning I probably wandered off in search of the perfect lighting to capture photos of creatures near
The thing about the silence Any and all noise definitely travels around I’m almost certain the rustle of my late night snacks have already awakened The 5 people that live in this town
And there it was Spoken outloud The words cutting deep We knew it was lingering Something about the finality Realization Sadness Anger Overwhelming thoughts Impending disaster Decisions Splitting assets Selling everything Mutually agreed There is no coming back No redo Options exhausted It’s real It’s happening Divorce Ending of our dreams Saying goodbye to you and me
2017 has come to an end, I just want to take a moment to let you know, for me this is how it’s been.
A couple of resolutions that I finally made my priority, when I put my mind to something, then you know that it isn’t a maybe but a 100% guarantee. I have worked my ass off (quite literally) to be the best possible version of me I can be. I have won some, lost some but I continue to start each day with a fresh perspective, renewed purpose and try again. I’m still proud of the better me, that I strive each day to be.
My physical health was one of those top priorities and I’m happy to report that there’s a much healthier and smaller version of me going into 2018. It’s astonishing the difference a few pounds can have on so many things. I found an amazing gym family that always sets their focus on empowering women, positive vibes, inspiring, the beauty in each member and lots of dancing, laughing, booty werk and all the sillyness that fits me perfectly.
Unfortunately I did have a few health issues that required 3 emergency surgeries and I’m still recovering from the last one. I pray it gets better and don’t lose my sight permanently.
Another focus was to dig down deep in order to sit with my anger, pain, and finally talk about some of the broken pieces that have been hidden inside for an eternity. While that has taken a toll on some relationships, finally calling someone out on their bullshit was quite therapeutic for me.
I shouldn’t have been so surprised when you waited until no one was around in order to spew all that hatred and completely obliterate every part of me but at the end of the day, you will forever stay stuck with only the memories and the knowledge that you will never again hear from me. Continue to twist the words for sympathy, turn others againist me, but please remember I know who you really are since those evil pieces were inherited by me. The difference is I turn it inward instead of using it as arsenal againist those I call family. I’ll be the scapegoat of your pretend fairytale family since you’ve paid such close attention to convince others and have a real talent for re-writing the truth out of actual history. I’m the one covered in the physical and mental scars of your choices, your mistakes, your neglect so there is no lying to me.
My little Sky bear, a true gift from God, has absolutely grown into the most perfect guy and I cherish his love, laughter and all the sweetness he shows me. I am so proud of him in so many ways, his heart, his intelligence, his strength, his ambition, his complete acceptance and the many things he has taught me. I adore his morning hugs and cuddles and the fact that I get to be his Mom, his safe place and I love him 100% unconditionally.
I’ve experienced some amazing success, loss, heartbreak but still was able to find my inner peace. I have laughed so hard that I could barely breathe. I’ve cried so hard all I could do was fall to the floor and beg God for his loving mercy.
In some of my darkest hours I found myself completely alone, I know I’m a complex person but just needed the same love and support in return that I have always shown. I’ve given up control of a few things in order to better focus my energy on those most important to me. I have realized that there is a very small number of people in this entire world that I can depend on if I’m in an emergency, go to for advice, won’t judge or share my words and accepts my crazy, silly, loud, broken and all the sharp edges that makeup the pieces that are me.
Thanks to the devastation from hurricane Harvey, I’ve lived through some terrifying and stressful moments that still continue. When you see your whole life floating under water it is a new sadness that I didn’t want to know. Trying to rebuild this house isn’t an easy task and it still doesn’t have the same warm feeling as the place I use to call my home.
We are no closer to being finished as we were a month ago, in fact the only things accomplished so far are new walls, partial flooring, and some doors half done so a long road ahead until I can finally say we are done.
Water has always been my safe place, something that provided comfort but now the rain brings back those memories of quite desperation and the fear of the unknown.
The kindness of a few people, mostly complete strangers, fed my family, provided necessities, even helped with demo when there was no one else who was here to help my family. It was a surreal feeling not knowing how I would fed my family, we were stuck, no vehicles, no kitchen, no frig or freezer so only some pantry items that didn’t get ruined and I didn’t eat for days to ensure my guys had enough because that’s what was most important to me.
Thanksgiving day came & went, we had chips & dips and went driving around since I finally had a car again to get out of the house and see some pre black Friday deals. I truly felt like a failure as a mom since that is never the thanksgiving memory I wanted him to have but couldn’t prepare him a big feast and with no invites for dinner I did the best I could with what I had.
I hope and pray that 2018 is a more joyful year and that we are able to put all the missing & broken pieces together and re-direct our focus on the hopes, dreams and make many happy memories that will bring smiles to my little family because that is what I hold close to my heart and their happiness is most important to me.
What do you see
Only a glimpse
No just fragments really
Your perspective adds to the illusion of who you think I should be
I am not your project
This is my life
I am just trying to be me
I am carefully treading through the judgement
But have you ever realized
You are completely missing the true depth that is me
The beauty I possess
The strength I bring
The loyalty I offer
The honesty in me
The passion ignited by me
The adventurous person I can be
The love that encompasses me
The patience I give freely
Each seeing something different
A mixture of the pieces Combined to reveal all of me
Tiny fragments revealed that I allow to be seen
There are a million different versions of me
Each person thinks of me differently
Too many expectations
I simply can’t be everything they each need me to be
It all comes down to a few things really
The real me
The Distorted perceptions
Finding what truly ignites my soul
Letting my passion take a hold
Will the future present a more polished version of me
Nuture or nature
I guess we just have to wait and see
I will not allow their snapshot view to influence the greatness hiding amongst the broken pieces inside of me
Wake up Task, routines & responsibilities Eat Exchange pleasantries Smile, nod & wave to the neighbors Act like a normal person Clearly everyone expects that of me Try to hit pause long enough to take notice & appreciate all the beauty life brings
Now back to pretending Repeat Repeat Repeat Task, routines & responsibilities Eat Practice selfcare Allow space for writing, reflecting, meditation & spirituality
As everyone was so intensely focused on the fireworks display occurring around me, my attention was captured by the romantic beauty of the the moon. The soft breeze that blew an aromatic scent of jasmine and gunpowder, along with soft remnants of the vanilla coconut lotion that covers my body.
I walk alone down the sidewalk to get away from the noise and commotion, only the brightly shining stars lighting the dark path before me.
Finally, a moment of complete silence, my awareness shifts to my breath, it’s sharp and jagged, I inhale fully, then exhale slowly, practicing the art of mindfulness with deep gratitude for the moment.
I lay on the ground to widen my view so that I may focus on the simple beauty of all that is above me. A calmness enters my body, a sense of pleasure known only to me, under the moon and while laying on this ground.
This is my peace, my comfort, my safe space and where I can be so lost but also completely found.