Alone

Which version do you prefer me to be?

The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly

The me that fits your perception of who I should be

The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees

It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be

One day I’m going to only have myself to please

I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand

Love me

Hate me

There is no in between

I understand though because I feel the same things

I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe

Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside

The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me

I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost

Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me

Devastation added on top of the underlying pain

Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable

What else would you expect me to do

I turn it all inside

Carrying all the burdens

Hiding all the shame

Running from the memories

At the end of the day I have no one to blame

It’s ok though because I know that pain

I feel invisible

Nothing to lose

Oh wait, that’s right

That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue

I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am

My broken pieces run far to deep

Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep

Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies

Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away

All the labels and judgment

Fill my ears

But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them

Too sensitive

Too bossy

Too picky

Too upset

Too cautious

Too angry

Too hurt

Too organized

Too right

Too wrong

Too isolated

Too weak

Too strong

Too emotional

Too tired

Too sexy

Too much

Too difficult

Too quiet

Too old

Too kind

Too loud

Too thoughtful

Too busy

Too hyper

Too complicated

Too Broken

Surrounded by all the voices

Seeming so intrigued

Fascinated by my words & wisdom

They like me

They love me

Oops once again I’ve been misled

They were only passing the time

And never again thought of me

Have you ever truly felt this alone?

October 26, 2019 26

Bodies Poetry

~♡~
Her scent

Floating

His love

Lingering

Last night
Cascading memory

Love
Passion
Lust

Divine melody
Him and Me

Bodies writing poetry

October 25, 2019 2

Art

Her Canvas
Crisp
White
Paper
Void of any Markings

Her Artistry
Words
Painted into Poetry

Her Instrument
Fine
Tipped
Pen
Jet Black Ink

Her Purpose
Dig
Down
Deep
Share and Release

The Affect
Reflection
Clarity
Healing
Finding Her Voice

October 21, 2019 15

Leaving

It’s never easy
I do it flawlessly though
Running from the emotions

Leaving, calms my soul

Path of destruction
Trail of tears
Not my intention
It’s what happens

Fear lives here

October 20, 2019 18

Shadows

In the shadows
Love hides
In the words
Yearning a new life
Behind the smiles
Anxiously awaits goodbye
Under the surface
Wanting to be at his side
Love story unfolding
Waiting for the next time
His lips meet mine

October 18, 2019 24

Waves of Need

Our journey may be different
Our needs evolve over time
Our wants fluctuate
Sometimes leaving behind troubled waters

Like the flow of the ocean, hard and consuming, it can leave us submerged
During the emotional storms we often struggle just to remain afloat

When the waters are calm and serene we sink blindly into the unknown dangers below the surface
This isn’t the way your life has to go

Our deep buried emotions can attempt to drown us temporarily or teach us to swim forever

The water, like our emotions, can be misleading
Our view can be distorted depending on where we currently stand
The terror is frightening if your desperately treading water in the sea
Alternatively
The warm, sweet, & blissful release of comfort and security is only realized once you make it to the beach

Realization crashing against the sand of our circumstance
It’s your journey
It’s your life, in your hands
Sometimes we need to reach out and that is where strength comes in

The weight of the ocean will only leave you treading water
That’s not a place you can sustain, only staying afloat until the weight of the pain is too intense

The ocean’s current below you working to pull you in, like the negativity you have deep within

So many are standing just on the sand, waiting, offering and willing to give you a hand
You only need to take that chance grab it

We each need assistance at some point

For someone to encourage, validate and tell us we can, we are and save us from drowning in the flood of emotions

Strength comes when you don’t have many other options, so let is save you
from life’s waves of high tides and sinking further in the lows.

xoxo
♥️me
7/14/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 30, 2019 1

The Ugly Truth

I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.

I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.

I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.

I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.

Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.

Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.

The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.

I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.

If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.

But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.

You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.

I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.

Where was my protector & biggest fan.

The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.

I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.

Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.

No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.

The truth never hurts
Their lies disgusting
Unable to rewrite history
Validation arrives on shattered dreams
My truth, written for all eternity

xoxo
♥️me
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 28, 2019 32

Ignited Fantasy

This feeling is uncomfortable
Yet intriguing at the same time
Everything inside me is screaming
Touch me
Walk away
Hold me
No run
Take me
Leave me
Want me for the beautiful disaster that I am

I’m torn between the depths of this exploration
More at peace living just on the surface
Fascination compels me to let go and move forward
I’m just not sure I can
My heart racing
I don’t understand
Am I overthinking it
How would I walk away
This could be my chance
What am I doing
Carelessly falling
Or
Sucking on the barrel of a loaded gun

I am more accustomed to feeling comfortably numb
This is not who I’ve ever been
How did I get here
Am I really that dumb
I’m just being reckless
Maybe even stupid
I can’t or maybe I don’t want to understand
Never have I surrendered
Too strong
Too loyal
Too stubborn
Too broken
No one would ever love who I really am
A beautiful angel
A devil within
I’ve be hiding so long
But he makes me feel weak
No one has ever cared
I just needed to be who they thought I am
It’s all exhausting

My emotions are going crazy
Why now
I don’t do emotional
Fuck how is this happening
Why not yesterday
I can’t understand
Maybe I’ve said too much
Perhaps I haven’t said enough
Second guessing every word
Why did I open up
Why did I let him in
Will he use it all against me
Or will he be the one that finally understands

Be patient but please see
I’ve never let anyone this close
And the thought of it being gone in an instant is more than I could stand

What is it
Why this man
Why do I crave him so deeply
Drifting between fantasy & reality
His lips on mine
His hands around my waist
He picks me up

There is nothing between us
Not even the sunlight could penetrate through the lack of space
Against the wall
Nothing could break us apart
He thrust himself inside me
All that can be heard is the moaning
Our sweat has intertwined
Covering us
It’s dripping and slowly tracing my body
The raw passion completely consuming us
His smell makes me want more

I taste him
This is heaven
A secret known only to us
Days turn to night and we are still completely entangled in one another
He devours me completely
Never getting enough
This is the way I want forever to end

※※※※

xoxo
♥ Me
3/26/2018
Thebrokeninsideofme.com