Embrace

Just as she stepped into the light
Regret consumed her
Not regret of the words
Regret for the attention
She felt the power of her story
However the attention scared her
She wanted to move forward
But from the shadows
Alas her name would change
The facts did not
Her feelings
Her experiences
Her wants
Her fantasies
They were her words
Just hidden behind an alias
Surely they would see the truth in the words
The depth in her eyes
The passion in her smirk
The joy in her smile
Longing to be heard
To find her place
She stepped further
Into the words
And delighted in their embrace

xoxo
♥️me
8/18/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Kindness is Free

While you are judging
Others are suffering
Silence is a killer
Implanting fear

We all just want to be accepted
Be kind
If negativity leads your words
Don’t speak
Just listen
Sometimes that’s all that is needed
It could save a life
Something so simple
Hearing the words that we are scared to say
Tremendous impact

Fear
Shame
Self doubt
Judgment
These will love us to death

You have the opportunity to help someone
Unconditional love
Complete acceptance
Aren’t we all seeking the same

Be the change
Empower
Inspire
Accept without limitations


xoxo
♥️me
8/15/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

My Truth

A privilege to hear
A story to tell
A glimpse inside

My courage
My pain
My perspective

Woven with lies and trauma
Crafted by manipulation
At the hands of the insane Told by me
My story


xoxo
♥️me
8/10/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com



Repeat Repeat Repeat

Wake up
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Exchange pleasantries 
Smile, nod & wave to the neighbors 
Act like a normal person
Clearly everyone expects that of me
Try to hit pause long enough to take notice & appreciate all the beauty life brings

Now back to pretending 
Repeat 
Repeat 
Repeat 
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Practice selfcare 
Allow space for writing, reflecting, meditation & spirituality 


Unpause

Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Sleep
Repeat 

Wasting time, can’t think about that now
Have to start it all over 
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Don’t forget
Repeat
Repeat 
Repeat 
Throw in extra smiles just to switch up the routine

Tomorrow, 
Repeating it all from the beginning 
Wake up
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Again, from the top
Repeat 
Repeat 
Repeat 

Really living
All in my head
Or

Walking around repeating & pretending 

Attempting to prolong the ending
The conclusion
I feel like I’m already dead

xoxo
♥️me
7/6/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme

Final

My heart is racing
All the emotions bubbling
My hands are shaking
I want to scream

Tears just below the surface
No one understands
I tried so hard to be patient
I held out hope for the words to come

I could have easily forgiven
But instead new damage was done
I opened my heart for her to understand
She crushed me
The words can’t be undone

It’s one thing to do it on my terms
But quite another when it is a task forced upon me
I will not be put in that situation again

The one who gave life to me
The one who tried to take life from me
The one who walked away
The one who gave me away
The one who lives happily

She made her choices
And so have I
So this is farewell, adios, and my final goodbye.



xoxo
♥️me
6/12/2018
Thebrokeninsideofme

Harvey

Well it’s been one year
Since your path of destruction danced across Texas

Like an uninvited guest
You lingered way too long
Finally your departure cleared way for sunshine and sorrow

Our community submerged but we joined together and came out fighting Bay Colony Strong

Flooded with emotion
Depleted of the basic necessities
Relying on the kindness of strangers and a few close friends/family

Grateful for surviving
But our whole life sitting on the curb
Soaking wet memories floating around
Everything reduced to nothing but an eyesore as the trash continued to pile up
Before I knew it the house was no longer visible except for the 2nd story

Unfortunately it wasn’t just isolated to us but many families shared the same horror
Seeing everything you worked so hard for sitting there damaged day after day, week after week was an unwanted daily reminder of all you lost however I tell myself to focus on the positive, be grateful it wasn’t a worse outcome and say a prayer for those that paid the ultimate cost

So many stressed, sad and heartbroken faces but can’t deal with that now because the bank, the insurance, the mortgage, the claims, FEMA, must pull it all together, document everything, take pictures, make videos, get the vehicles towed, check in daily, send emails, make calls, do demo and try to remain calm when they are all attempting to screw you over but because we are parents and the kiddos have been through enough so had to suck it up and save the tears for later and maintain my composure until he is in bed then it’s your time and you could completely lose it and breakdown

Your most cherished items can never be replaced and the sight of them covered in mold and nastiness, leaves a profound feeling of sadness
But there is so much to do so you push it way, refocus and thank God for surviving and delivering the angels that show up as complete strangers ready to help anyway they can

I am forever changed by their Kindness
Compassion
Willingness to help
For feeding my family
Delivering bottled water
Household Supplies
Prayers in the driveway
Encouragement
Doing our laundry
Just listening
And so much more

Ignorant to what we would be facing moving forward, is an understatement but I hope to never need this knowledge or experience ever again

Yes, it has only been one year
but to be honest it has felt like 10 and at other times it feels as if it was only weeks ago, when the weight of it slowly starts to consume me, I flash back to the moments of fear for so many who were close to not being found

Instead they were rescued just moments before they were out of options and they would have drowned
So many lives lost, not just those needing rescue but also those who risked it all for complete strangers to ensure they were delivered to a safe place on higher and dry ground

We, like so many others, are still not finished rebuilding, restoring, overcoming, or least of all ready, willing or able to deal with or face the overwhelming emotions, brought back a million times by each thunderstorm or heavy rainfall, that has threatened our progress and challenged our sanity ever since

We definitely lost it all
But like others in our community we just keep moving, pushing forward, thankful for the blessings, those that stepped up, showed us kindness, and made this whole nightmare a joint effort to help each other

It was the most beautiful outcome to experience and witness
No judgment
No hate
No fighting
No social media bashing
No rude comments
No asshole drivers
No typical daily distractions

Just an overwhelming effort to join together, support, aid and help your community
We all did what we could even if it was just sitting and listening or embracing a neighbor as the tears came rolling down

We were not just residents of Galveston county but instead just one big community banded together
What an incredible memory
It has been a year but I’ll always be thankful for those moments and will forever carry them with me
They were that profoundxoxo

♥️me

8/27/2018

Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough
I am reminded how strong I am
It is a comfort and curse
Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss
One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses
It is almost an internal battle
Which will prevail
When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable
Just sitting with my thoughts tonight
Struggling to find my place
The balancing game
The Inbetween
Excluded and alone
Happiness, Love and smiles
Sorrow, pain and tears
Tonight I will allow it all
However tomorrow I will put it away
Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

Thebrokeninsideofme

Complex PTSD

Do you really know what it is?
It’s so much more than a label
It’s more than a mental illness
It’s closer to a death sentence
It’s sheer terror
It’s sleepless nights
It’s guarding
It’s being on constant alert
It’s exhausting
It’s self blame
It’s not trusting
It’s fear
It’s panic
It’s a noise
It’s a smell
It’s a reminder
It’s uncontrollable crying
It’s night terrors
It’s waking up struggling to breathe
It’s isolation
It’s mental torture
It’s self destructive
It’s anger
Its nausea
It’s headaches
It’s not eating
It’s eating too much
It’s being sad
It’s shutting down
It’s fantasizing of running away
It’s getting lost in your thoughts
It’s a need to be heard but not wanting to speak
It’s procrastinating
It’s searching for a purpose
It’s clinging to unrealistic expectations
It’s losing hours & days
It’s complete disparage
It’s utter desperation
It’s chaos
It’s hiding
It’s putting others comfort above your own
It’s a lifetime of fighting
It’s being strong while feeling your weakest
It’s shifting between being totally numb to heightened awareness
It’s life or death
It’s social awkwardness
It’s paralyzing fear
It’s aimlessly wandering
It’s wearing your pain
It’s disclosing nothing
It’s having to be in control
It’s mental torture
It’s visual scars that constantly remind you
It’s like treading water
It’s physical pain
It’s backing out of commitments
It’s needing recovery time after having to be 100% present at functions
It’s pretending to be fine
It’s feeling like a burden
It’s negative voices in your head
It’s overwhelming
It’s overthinking
It’s over analyzing ever word
It’s rejection
It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin
It’s feeling like a failure
It’s trying to escape the horrid flashbacks
It’s feeling unlovable
It’s contemplating seeing another day
It’s wondering who you could have been
It’s failing
It’s self hate
It’s avoiding people
It’s not answering the phone
It’s not responding to messages
It’s closing the blinds
It’s not answering the door
It’s unforgiving
It’s panic attacks
It’s anxiety
It’s depression
It’s disassociation
It’s hating yourself
It’s restlessness
It’s excitement that turns to fear
It’s countless surgeries
It’s living around the pain
It’s sexual disfunction
It’s blinding rage
It’s damaged relationships
It’s being criticized
It’s being pushed away
It’s being excluded
It’s hopelessness
It’s the echo of your pounding heart
It’s never finding your way
It’s wishing it would take you
It’s being hypersensitive to body language
It’s feeling sorry that your spouse has to attempt to decipher your mood
It’s long days and even longer nights spent lost with no direction
It’s praying for a better day
It’s searching for a distraction
It’s knowing nothing can change
It’s watching your life as an outsider
It’s just wanting to be left alone
It’s knowing this is the best it will get
It’s finding comfort in the pain
It’s fight or flight daily
It’s lost moments
It’s rumors
It’s victim blaming
It’s hearing their whispers
It’s being called crazy
It’s judgment and being told it’s just attention seeking
It’s complex because it affects every part of who I am
It’s so much more than this EVERY SINGLE DAY
Speaking only from my perspective and experience since I live it every minute of my life.

xoxo

The Broken Inside of Me
6/12/19

Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough

I am reminded how strong I amIt is a comfort and curse

Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss

One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses

It is almost an internal battle

Which will prevail

When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable

Just sitting with my thoughts tonight

Struggling to find my place

The balancing game

The Inbetween

Excluded and alone

Happiness, Love and smiles

Sorrow, pain and tears

Tonight I will allow it all

However tomorrow I will put it away

Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

The broken inside of me

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