Quietly watching Anticipating I wander Lost in thought Desperately hoping For the peace That eludes me each night Continually seeking For something I have yet to find In the antelucan hour Between the darkness and light I find beauty Struggling An internal battle Acceptance Forgiveness Yesterhurt reminders Stealing my time Shadowing light I continue Fighting The war inside
And there it was Spoken outloud The words cutting deep We knew it was lingering Something about the finality Realization Sadness Anger Overwhelming thoughts Impending disaster Decisions Splitting assets Selling everything Mutually agreed There is no coming back No redo Options exhausted It’s real It’s happening Divorce Ending of our dreams Saying goodbye to you and me
I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.
I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.
I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me. I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.
I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.
Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me. Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.
Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.
The physical scars have distorted my body. But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.
I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.
If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me. She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.
But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.
You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.
I was only 7 when she abandoned me. A mother’s love,that I did not see.
Where was my protector & biggest fan.
The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can. Horribly failed me in the short time we had together. I only wished that she could have loved me better. What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction. Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.
I continue today living through all the repercussions. What a tragedy at how my life started off to be. All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.
Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.
No justice was served or consequence for them to bare Although apart they live worry free No second thought of the damage caused to me It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.
The truth never hurts Their lies disgusting Unable to rewrite history Validation arrives on shattered dreams My truth, written for all eternity
Pain of yesterday A curse A blessing I find strength in its vulnerability Weakness in honesty The darkness a welcoming relief
How do you let go of a love you have never known The capacity of trust Never enough Flawlessly indisposed Just let it go Your silence attacking me Heartbreaking Struggling to breathe
Unable to comprehend Acceptance, a foreign word Unconditional love, something I’ve never known
Mind full of disbelief
Concealed are the pieces Continuing to feed Distant memories Quiet desperation Life of tragedies I’m summed up to be Never wanting that label Can’t run from your destiny Alone with my thoughts I’ll always be that person I collect the pieces The broken inside It’s all of me
As I sit here alone, the upstairs window slightly opened, as the rain has temporarily subsided and the silence that I often seek and find comfort in, is almost unbearable as the horror of the last 30 hours consumes me. There are no calls, no texts, no helicopters circling around, no sounds of rushing water below me echoing with the most terrifying sound, no visuals before me of the frightened parents faces and neighbors sitting out of their second story windows because they don’t want to drown, there are no white bed sheets hanging to mark their presence or towels whipping back & fourth in shear desperation on the front porches around me so that they too would soon be found. The saddness, the fear, the heartbreak, the worry, and the blank stares of facing this disaster was undoubtly showing, and is a memory that I will forever carry around. An experience I never wanted but for whatever reason Hurricane Harvey has continued to disrupt, and dance around Texas, just look for the path of greatest destruction and that’s were I’ll be found.
A parade of makeshift rafts, canoes, even whole beds adorned with blow up floats, pool noodles or whatever they had laying around, something…..anything in their quiet desperation that would aid them in getting out safely to help ensure they would be floating and eventually found.
The news is no longer on blaring and enhanced with continual tornado warnings to take cover but instead now I only hear the sound of frogs loudly calling, maybe they too have been forced from their safe place or sanctuary and are looking for their families who are no where to be found.
Maybe these thoughts, questions and surreal memories are too fresh for me to process, since it’s far from being over, as I am still seeking higher ground.
Just as she stepped into the light Regret consumed her Not regret of the words Regret for the attention She felt the power of her story However the attention scared her She wanted to move forward But from the shadows Alas her name would change The facts did not Her feelings Her experiences Her wants Her fantasies They were her words Just hidden behind an alias Surely they would see the truth in the words The depth in her eyes The passion in her smirk The joy in her smile Longing to be heard To find her place She stepped further Into the words And delighted in their embrace
While you are judging Others are suffering Silence is a killer Implanting fear
We all just want to be accepted Be kind If negativity leads your words Don’t speak Just listen Sometimes that’s all that is needed It could save a life Something so simple Hearing the words that we are scared to say Tremendous impact
Fear Shame Self doubt Judgment These will love us to death
You have the opportunity to help someone Unconditional love Complete acceptance Aren’t we all seeking the same
Be the change Empower Inspire Accept without limitations