I See

I can hear it
The violence in his tone
The anger in his expression
The intensity in his stance
The hate in the words unspoken

I just met you but I see you
The you that is cleverly hidden
It’s not
You’re not
I feel it
I see it
I sense every bad piece of who you are

I possess a innate ability to read between the versions of you being presented with a smile

Trauma does that
A little gift, I wish I never received
The broken pieces
The broken inside of me
They see

xoxo
♥️me
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
7/29/2019

Repeat Repeat Repeat

Wake up
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Exchange pleasantries 
Smile, nod & wave to the neighbors 
Act like a normal person
Clearly everyone expects that of me
Try to hit pause long enough to take notice & appreciate all the beauty life brings

Now back to pretending 
Repeat 
Repeat 
Repeat 
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Practice selfcare 
Allow space for writing, reflecting, meditation & spirituality 


Unpause

Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Sleep
Repeat 

Wasting time, can’t think about that now
Have to start it all over 
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Don’t forget
Repeat
Repeat 
Repeat 
Throw in extra smiles just to switch up the routine

Tomorrow, 
Repeating it all from the beginning 
Wake up
Task, routines & responsibilities 
Eat
Again, from the top
Repeat 
Repeat 
Repeat 

Really living
All in my head
Or

Walking around repeating & pretending 

Attempting to prolong the ending
The conclusion
I feel like I’m already dead

xoxo
♥️me
7/6/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme

Final

My heart is racing
All the emotions bubbling
My hands are shaking
I want to scream

Tears just below the surface
No one understands
I tried so hard to be patient
I held out hope for the words to come

I could have easily forgiven
But instead new damage was done
I opened my heart for her to understand
She crushed me
The words can’t be undone

It’s one thing to do it on my terms
But quite another when it is a task forced upon me
I will not be put in that situation again

The one who gave life to me
The one who tried to take life from me
The one who walked away
The one who gave me away
The one who lives happily

She made her choices
And so have I
So this is farewell, adios, and my final goodbye.



xoxo
♥️me
6/12/2018
Thebrokeninsideofme

Harvey

Well it’s been one year
Since your path of destruction danced across Texas

Like an uninvited guest
You lingered way too long
Finally your departure cleared way for sunshine and sorrow

Our community submerged but we joined together and came out fighting Bay Colony Strong

Flooded with emotion
Depleted of the basic necessities
Relying on the kindness of strangers and a few close friends/family

Grateful for surviving
But our whole life sitting on the curb
Soaking wet memories floating around
Everything reduced to nothing but an eyesore as the trash continued to pile up
Before I knew it the house was no longer visible except for the 2nd story

Unfortunately it wasn’t just isolated to us but many families shared the same horror
Seeing everything you worked so hard for sitting there damaged day after day, week after week was an unwanted daily reminder of all you lost however I tell myself to focus on the positive, be grateful it wasn’t a worse outcome and say a prayer for those that paid the ultimate cost

So many stressed, sad and heartbroken faces but can’t deal with that now because the bank, the insurance, the mortgage, the claims, FEMA, must pull it all together, document everything, take pictures, make videos, get the vehicles towed, check in daily, send emails, make calls, do demo and try to remain calm when they are all attempting to screw you over but because we are parents and the kiddos have been through enough so had to suck it up and save the tears for later and maintain my composure until he is in bed then it’s your time and you could completely lose it and breakdown

Your most cherished items can never be replaced and the sight of them covered in mold and nastiness, leaves a profound feeling of sadness
But there is so much to do so you push it way, refocus and thank God for surviving and delivering the angels that show up as complete strangers ready to help anyway they can

I am forever changed by their Kindness
Compassion
Willingness to help
For feeding my family
Delivering bottled water
Household Supplies
Prayers in the driveway
Encouragement
Doing our laundry
Just listening
And so much more

Ignorant to what we would be facing moving forward, is an understatement but I hope to never need this knowledge or experience ever again

Yes, it has only been one year
but to be honest it has felt like 10 and at other times it feels as if it was only weeks ago, when the weight of it slowly starts to consume me, I flash back to the moments of fear for so many who were close to not being found

Instead they were rescued just moments before they were out of options and they would have drowned
So many lives lost, not just those needing rescue but also those who risked it all for complete strangers to ensure they were delivered to a safe place on higher and dry ground

We, like so many others, are still not finished rebuilding, restoring, overcoming, or least of all ready, willing or able to deal with or face the overwhelming emotions, brought back a million times by each thunderstorm or heavy rainfall, that has threatened our progress and challenged our sanity ever since

We definitely lost it all
But like others in our community we just keep moving, pushing forward, thankful for the blessings, those that stepped up, showed us kindness, and made this whole nightmare a joint effort to help each other

It was the most beautiful outcome to experience and witness
No judgment
No hate
No fighting
No social media bashing
No rude comments
No asshole drivers
No typical daily distractions

Just an overwhelming effort to join together, support, aid and help your community
We all did what we could even if it was just sitting and listening or embracing a neighbor as the tears came rolling down

We were not just residents of Galveston county but instead just one big community banded together
What an incredible memory
It has been a year but I’ll always be thankful for those moments and will forever carry them with me
They were that profoundxoxo

♥️me

8/27/2018

Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Lost Direction

Seeking clarity
Looking for answers
Lost in this misery
My life is a series of routes
Unfortunately there are many delays

The unexpected roadblocks
Send me retreating in fear
Those disastrous detours
Leave me lost with only the memories

A lifetime of construction
Provides only temporary solutions
The complete closures
I wish I felt more comfortable here

These routes I travel have all resulted in the same broken heart
Each has imprinted my mind with a lesson
Some left life altering scars

Each impacting me totally but continuously tearing me apart
Completely lost
Lost with no direction

Prisoner of my own brain
Desperately seeking direction
Too bad I haven’t stumbled across that yet

Facing this road alone
Solitary confinement eases my soul and kinda feels like home
I continue searching without direction

A nomadic existence
Playing a character in my own life
Slowly treading water
Lost out here
No direction

Desperately trying
Hoping one day, I’ll finally find a space of comfort
Maybe then I can finally let someone in.

xoxo
♥️me
The Broken Inside of Me
3-31-19




Strong is Hard

In the moments I’m feeling less than enough

I am reminded how strong I amIt is a comfort and curse

Strength arises after with devastating sorrow and loss

One of the hardest parts, is allowing yourself to sit with the weaknesses

It is almost an internal battle

Which will prevail

When you are deemed strong, it’s almost impossible to find a place to be vulnerable

Just sitting with my thoughts tonight

Struggling to find my place

The balancing game

The Inbetween

Excluded and alone

Happiness, Love and smiles

Sorrow, pain and tears

Tonight I will allow it all

However tomorrow I will put it away

Wishing and praying for more sunshiny days.

xoxo

The broken inside of me

Just Breathe

Some days I just want to forget

Take a step forward

Learn to be truly free

Except it continues to be difficult

Thanks to the memories that imprison me

Why is it so difficult

I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe

The darkness within tugging at me

It sits just below the surface

So many things trigger it

I just don’t understand

Why did it have to be me

Pieced together like a pretty little package

Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me

In an instant my world goes dark

Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside

In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath

Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately

Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe

Seems so simple

Should be

Just not in those moments

And not so easy

I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief

When all the broken pieces fall into place

Will they ever finally set me free

Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be

So many years, my life since birth honestly

All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories

Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me

I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me

I learned to hide make myself small

Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be

Don’t say a word of what you have seen

Followed by threats of more torture & death

I waited for an escape

I prayed for someone to come save me

Death started to feel like my only way out

I know I thought about it more than once

Wishing for eternal life ever after

The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure

A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me

Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me

My heart is racing faster

My hands are trembling and shaking

My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me

My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me

My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe

A chill of despair is beginning to consume me

If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to

It’s not something I’ve ever taken further

I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running

My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it

What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface

How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be

I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.

Written By

The Broken inside of me

Imprisoned

As I lay here awake thinking

Keeping it all inside

They live their lives

I hate the trauma

And how it has imprisoned me

“Get over it, let it go”

It’s not even possible

How could I expect them to know

It’s weight suffocates me

At times I often struggle to breathe

I want so badly to be set free

It’s depth consumes me

My heart races

My body shaking

My lungs fail me

My stomach turns

I can’t stand still

I know it’s still chasing me

Will I ever stop running

It’s the only way I know how to deal

From birth my life has been torture

I have been fighting my whole life to stay alive despite all your efforts

You broke me mentally

You ignited my pain

You robbed me of caring

Each of these still constantly circling my brain

All I ever learned was to be fake

Hold no one accountable

It’s your fault

No one is coming to save me

How am I ever suppose to heal

This is nothing fixed with a pill

I mourn the life I never had

Wishing to be born to a different mom & dad

That doesn’t even matter

Nothing I can even do

I live today despite what they put me through

No one really knows who I am

I’m cold

I’m hateful

I’m lost

I’m broken

I often hate who I am

Those around me haven’t a clue

I spend my time hiding

So I can help mend the broken pieces that are a result of you

In the moments I think I can’t go on

When I’m lost in my mind

Tired of being strong

Tired of existing

Exhausted from fighting

Struggling just to be

The eternal suffering brings about thoughts of suicide

Drifting between the options, shoud I, could I

I’ve never taken the thoughts deeper due to fear that one day nothing will stop me

Then I will cease to be here

But In the end

Only one thought remains

I value my life more than having to continue on and carry the pain

These are the thoughts that let me live to see another day

I’m sad and tortured

I don’t know what to do

I should be used to it

Since it’s nothing new

A beautiful Angel

A horrendous devil

Both rip at my soul

Eternally conflicted

Lost somewhere in the middle

That’s where you’ll find me

Shattered pieces looking for glue

Don’t tell me to cope

Don’t say move on

Don’t tell me I’m fine

I can’t hear “leave it in the past” one more time

You would say something different if the broken was inside of you

xoxo

♥️me

June 13, 2017

Thebrokeninsideofme

Lost Somewhere Inbetween

The sun is setting

My mind begins to wander

Dissecting the day

The emotions rush back to me

Sadness

Hopelessness

Despair

Anger

Loneliness

Shame

Unable to count the times I have told myself

They hate you

You will never be good enough

You are a failure

You will always be broken

It’s your fault

They deserve better

He deserves better

You suck at everything

Why can’t you just be better

There are moments of light that soothe the pain, while distracting my thoughts

Casting a ray of sunshine

The intertwining darkness and destruction overlap

Suffocating the light and strength

Mixed emotions

Struggling to just be

As the beauty of the day dips into the darkness of night

Eternally conflicted

Struggling within

I might be lost

Still searching for peace

However, I am thankful to have seen another day

And the beauty of the sunset isn’t lost on me.

August 31, 2018


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