2017 Tried to Break Me

2017 has come to an end, I just want to take a moment to let you know, for me this is how it’s been.

A couple of resolutions that I finally made my priority, when I put my mind to something, then you know that it isn’t a maybe but a 100% guarantee. I have worked my ass off (quite literally) to be the best possible version of me I can be. I have won some, lost some but I continue to start each day with a fresh perspective, renewed purpose and try again. I’m still proud of the better me, that I strive each day to be.

My physical health was one of those top priorities and I’m happy to report that there’s a much healthier and smaller version of me going into 2018. It’s astonishing the difference a few pounds can have on so many things. I found an amazing gym family that always sets their focus on empowering women, positive vibes, inspiring, the beauty in each member and lots of dancing, laughing, booty werk and all the sillyness that fits me perfectly.

Unfortunately I did have a few health issues that required 3 emergency surgeries and I’m still recovering from the last one. I pray it gets better and don’t lose my sight permanently.

Another focus was to dig down deep in order to sit with my anger, pain, and finally talk about some of the broken pieces that have been hidden inside for an eternity. While that has taken a toll on some relationships, finally calling someone out on their bullshit was quite therapeutic for me.

I shouldn’t have been so surprised when you waited until no one was around in order to spew all that hatred and completely obliterate every part of me but at the end of the day, you will forever stay stuck with only the memories and the knowledge that you will never again hear from me. Continue to twist the words for sympathy, turn others againist me, but please remember I know who you really are since those evil pieces were inherited by me. The difference is I turn it inward instead of using it as arsenal againist those I call family. I’ll be the scapegoat of your pretend fairytale family since you’ve paid such close attention to convince others and have a real talent for re-writing the truth out of actual history. I’m the one covered in the physical and mental scars of your choices, your mistakes, your neglect so there is no lying to me.

My little Sky bear, a true gift from God, has absolutely grown into the most perfect guy and I cherish his love, laughter and all the sweetness he shows me. I am so proud of him in so many ways, his heart, his intelligence, his strength, his ambition, his complete acceptance and the many things he has taught me. I adore his morning hugs and cuddles and the fact that I get to be his Mom, his safe place and I love him 100% unconditionally.

I’ve experienced some amazing success, loss, heartbreak but still was able to find my inner peace. I have laughed so hard that I could barely breathe. I’ve cried so hard all I could do was fall to the floor and beg God for his loving mercy.

In some of my darkest hours I found myself completely alone, I know I’m a complex person but just needed the same love and support in return that I have always shown. I’ve given up control of a few things in order to better focus my energy on those most important to me. I have realized that there is a very small number of people in this entire world that I can depend on if I’m in an emergency, go to for advice, won’t judge or share my words and accepts my crazy, silly, loud, broken and all the sharp edges that makeup the pieces that are me.

Thanks to the devastation from hurricane Harvey, I’ve lived through some terrifying and stressful moments that still continue. When you see your whole life floating under water it is a new sadness that I didn’t want to know. Trying to rebuild this house isn’t an easy task and it still doesn’t have the same warm feeling as the place I use to call my home.

We are no closer to being finished as we were a month ago, in fact the only things accomplished so far are new walls, partial flooring, and some doors half done so a long road ahead until I can finally say we are done.

Water has always been my safe place, something that provided comfort but now the rain brings back those memories of quite desperation and the fear of the unknown.

The kindness of a few people, mostly complete strangers, fed my family, provided necessities, even helped with demo when there was no one else who was here to help my family. It was a surreal feeling not knowing how I would fed my family, we were stuck, no vehicles, no kitchen, no frig or freezer so only some pantry items that didn’t get ruined and I didn’t eat for days to ensure my guys had enough because that’s what was most important to me.

Thanksgiving day came & went, we had chips & dips and went driving around since I finally had a car again to get out of the house and see some pre black Friday deals. I truly felt like a failure as a mom since that is never the thanksgiving memory I wanted him to have but couldn’t prepare him a big feast and with no invites for dinner I did the best I could with what I had.

I hope and pray that 2018 is a more joyful year and that we are able to put all the missing & broken pieces together and re-direct our focus on the hopes, dreams and make many happy memories that will bring smiles to my little family because that is what I hold close to my heart and their happiness is most important to me.


xoxo
♥️Me
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
12/31/2017

Sharing

Words
Poured from the soul
Clarity
Mystery
Written outloud
Kind
Bold
Inner thoughts
Rambling
True conviction
Sexual tale
Spilled out
Stories undisclosed
Final endings
Splendid beginnings
Once a long ago
I write it all
Sharing
The cure for my soul

xoxo
♥️me
8/29/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

My View

Perched upon the fence
Above flowers blooming
Nature’s magnificence is all to consuming
Captivating colors painted across the sky
A spectacular view
Wonderment in our eyes
I offer my gratitide for getting to watch the sunrise with you

xoxo
♥️me
8/7/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Sunrise

Darkness and Moonlight

Under the glow of a brightly lit crimson moon she found herself lost
Lost in the magnificence
Lost in the glory of its stunning brightness
Lost in the simple beauty of nature’s nightlight
Lost in a world around her
Lost is the time that seemed to stand still
Lost in a memory
Lost in how it made her feel
Lost in the silence
Lost in the memories
She was coming undone
This time she would not run
Standing
Embracing
The darkness she had always feared
Uncomfortable but a place she very well knows
That moment she made a choice
Forgiveness
Forgiving those apologies that she never heard
Forgiving those that didn’t deserve it
Forgiving herself for harboring hate
Under the big crimson moon she found forgiveness
She released her demons and took back control
She released the horror of that pain
Her truth is now spoken
The words set free
Floating somewhere in the atmosphere and no longer confined in her mind

xoxo
♥️me
7/18/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Sound of Memories


A melody that echos her presence
Orchestrated by the breeze
Soft tones ring
Amplified hard pings
Cascading notes
Bellowed tings
Amazing compilation
The sound of memories
Once her wind chimes
Now my private symphony

xoxo
♥️me
7/24/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Sunsets and You

Somewhere high in the sky, I send my secret hopes and dreams
Do they live on forever, become my reality or stay lost as sunset secrets between the clouds and me

My whispers floating on the breeze

My secrets highlighted by the sunset’s lovely shades of purple, orange, pink and blues
I now see the magnitude
It really is such a visual beauty
Just one more of nature’s gift for us to view

Each day I look forward to only a few things
Sunsets
Clouds
Secrets
And you


xoxo
♥️me
7/19/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme

I Believe

I see you
I know you feel defeated
I see your struggle
I know you are running
I see you chasing your dreams
I know they are just out of your reach
I see you, don’t give up
I know you can keep going
I see that you are stronger than you believe
I know you are greater than what you have achieved
I see you comparing
I know you are your only competition
I see you despite what you believe

I see
I know
You are
You can
You will

I believe in you

xoxo
♥️me
7/17/2019

Reminded

Today I am reminded how small I am in the big picture of life

As the rain starts falling
My eyes are drawn to small movements around me
The grass is coming alive with tiny creatures
Some come to rejoice in the water puddling on the sidewalk, seeking relief from the heat
Others scurrying to seek shelter under the lush canopy of the trees

I relate this to our life
How we, as humans, view and interact with each other
How we act and react to certain stimuli, like the rain

Are we rushing about ignoring the simple pleasures or are we reveling in the relief of the rainy days

Which of these sets the tone of our day

Kindness & compassion
Caring & supportive
Cold & callous
Silent & distant
Mean & vengeful

Even though we haven’t experienced the same life, we have the same emotions to deal with it
We are all in different places mentally & physically
But at the same time we are all the same

Just a person trying to find their place in this big ole world
Hoping to make some real genuine connections along the way
Writing out our thoughts for someone to hear us and whatever we have to say

Life isn’t always blissful
The rain saturates some days
The clouds eventually will part to make way for more sunshiny days
Remember to take root and grow in those moments
Appreciate the good days
And allow the storms to wash away the bad ones

When it seems like you are alone, just remember there are millions of us out here thinking the same

Be someone’s sunshine today

xoxo
♥️me
7/15/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme

Fireworks and moonlight

As everyone was so intensely focused on the fireworks display occurring around me, my attention was captured by the romantic beauty of the the moon. The soft breeze that blew an aromatic scent of jasmine and gunpowder, along with soft remnants of the vanilla coconut lotion that covers my body.

I walk alone down the sidewalk to get away from the noise and commotion, only the brightly shining stars lighting the dark path before me.

Finally, a moment of complete silence, my awareness shifts to my breath, it’s sharp and jagged, I inhale fully, then exhale slowly, practicing the art of mindfulness with deep gratitude for the moment.

I lay on the ground to widen my view so that I may focus on the simple beauty of all that is above me. A calmness enters my body, a sense of pleasure known only to me, under the moon and while laying on this ground.

This is my peace, my comfort, my safe space and where I can be so lost but also completely found.

xoxo

♥️ me

7/4/2019

Thebrokeninsideofme

Harvey

Well it’s been one year
Since your path of destruction danced across Texas

Like an uninvited guest
You lingered way too long
Finally your departure cleared way for sunshine and sorrow

Our community submerged but we joined together and came out fighting Bay Colony Strong

Flooded with emotion
Depleted of the basic necessities
Relying on the kindness of strangers and a few close friends/family

Grateful for surviving
But our whole life sitting on the curb
Soaking wet memories floating around
Everything reduced to nothing but an eyesore as the trash continued to pile up
Before I knew it the house was no longer visible except for the 2nd story

Unfortunately it wasn’t just isolated to us but many families shared the same horror
Seeing everything you worked so hard for sitting there damaged day after day, week after week was an unwanted daily reminder of all you lost however I tell myself to focus on the positive, be grateful it wasn’t a worse outcome and say a prayer for those that paid the ultimate cost

So many stressed, sad and heartbroken faces but can’t deal with that now because the bank, the insurance, the mortgage, the claims, FEMA, must pull it all together, document everything, take pictures, make videos, get the vehicles towed, check in daily, send emails, make calls, do demo and try to remain calm when they are all attempting to screw you over but because we are parents and the kiddos have been through enough so had to suck it up and save the tears for later and maintain my composure until he is in bed then it’s your time and you could completely lose it and breakdown

Your most cherished items can never be replaced and the sight of them covered in mold and nastiness, leaves a profound feeling of sadness
But there is so much to do so you push it way, refocus and thank God for surviving and delivering the angels that show up as complete strangers ready to help anyway they can

I am forever changed by their Kindness
Compassion
Willingness to help
For feeding my family
Delivering bottled water
Household Supplies
Prayers in the driveway
Encouragement
Doing our laundry
Just listening
And so much more

Ignorant to what we would be facing moving forward, is an understatement but I hope to never need this knowledge or experience ever again

Yes, it has only been one year
but to be honest it has felt like 10 and at other times it feels as if it was only weeks ago, when the weight of it slowly starts to consume me, I flash back to the moments of fear for so many who were close to not being found

Instead they were rescued just moments before they were out of options and they would have drowned
So many lives lost, not just those needing rescue but also those who risked it all for complete strangers to ensure they were delivered to a safe place on higher and dry ground

We, like so many others, are still not finished rebuilding, restoring, overcoming, or least of all ready, willing or able to deal with or face the overwhelming emotions, brought back a million times by each thunderstorm or heavy rainfall, that has threatened our progress and challenged our sanity ever since

We definitely lost it all
But like others in our community we just keep moving, pushing forward, thankful for the blessings, those that stepped up, showed us kindness, and made this whole nightmare a joint effort to help each other

It was the most beautiful outcome to experience and witness
No judgment
No hate
No fighting
No social media bashing
No rude comments
No asshole drivers
No typical daily distractions

Just an overwhelming effort to join together, support, aid and help your community
We all did what we could even if it was just sitting and listening or embracing a neighbor as the tears came rolling down

We were not just residents of Galveston county but instead just one big community banded together
What an incredible memory
It has been a year but I’ll always be thankful for those moments and will forever carry them with me
They were that profoundxoxo

♥️me

8/27/2018

Thebrokeninsideofme.com

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