When our lips did meet
Last dying kiss
Etched in eternity
When our lips did meet
It was me
I fucked it up so badly
All these broken pieces
Sharp edges continue to cut
Casting shadows of doubt
I hate myself for it all
You loved unconditionally
Attempting to bandage internal wounds
I pushed you away
My demons wouldn’t let you get too close
I can’t be saved despite your efforts
I am truly sorry
You deserve so much more than I could ever be
Never having to pay the price for the disaster that I turned out to be
While you were attempting to save me
I drowned us both in the pain
Holding my love hostage for fears sake
I don’t know how to do this without you
I cherish the moments
Quiet nights on the couch with you
We shared so much
Holding my hand when I was too weak to face it alone
The feel of your touch
I will miss you
Please don’t erase me and our memories
And there it was
The words cutting deep
We knew it was lingering
Something about the finality
There is no coming back
Ending of our dreams
Saying goodbye to you and me
What if I told you
Deep in my soul
Words can’t convey
Tears in my eyes
Longing for your touch
Needing you so much
To share this night
Just a moment
I would give my last breath
To view love reflecting in your eyes
To melt into your caress
Feeling the passion in your embrace
I would sacrifice everything
To stand before you
To see the smile on your face
Soothe my pain
Quench this heartache
You are a part of me
Needing you so deeply
Want shadowed by need
Explained by greed
Calling to me
Our journey may be different
Our needs evolve over time
Our wants fluctuate
Sometimes leaving behind troubled waters
Like the flow of the ocean, hard and consuming, it can leave us submerged
During the emotional storms we often struggle just to remain afloat
When the waters are calm and serene we sink blindly into the unknown dangers below the surface
This isn’t the way your life has to go
Our deep buried emotions can attempt to drown us temporarily or teach us to swim forever
The water, like our emotions, can be misleading
Our view can be distorted depending on where we currently stand
The terror is frightening if your desperately treading water in the sea
The warm, sweet, & blissful release of comfort and security is only realized once you make it to the beach
Realization crashing against the sand of our circumstance
It’s your journey
It’s your life, in your hands
Sometimes we need to reach out and that is where strength comes in
The weight of the ocean will only leave you treading water
That’s not a place you can sustain, only staying afloat until the weight of the pain is too intense
The ocean’s current below you working to pull you in, like the negativity you have deep within
So many are standing just on the sand, waiting, offering and willing to give you a hand
You only need to take that chance grab it
We each need assistance at some point
For someone to encourage, validate and tell us we can, we are and save us from drowning in the flood of emotions
Strength comes when you don’t have many other options, so let is save you
from life’s waves of high tides and sinking further in the lows.
I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.
I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.
I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.
I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.
Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.
Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.
The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.
I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.
If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.
But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.
You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.
I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.
Where was my protector & biggest fan.
The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.
I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.
Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.
No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.
The truth never hurts
Their lies disgusting
Unable to rewrite history
Validation arrives on shattered dreams
My truth, written for all eternity
Tuesday Writing Prompt Challenge “My Mother Said”
She said a million things
A few still resonate with me
Visions of love, compassion and grace
Reflecting through the smile on her face
She didn’t have to love me
She didn’t have to raise me
She didn’t have to pick me
But she did
Adoption is everything to me
It is how I am still able to chase my dreams
A woman of such incredible beauty
Her kindness shines through the memories
While she is gone, she is still here
Dementia has stolen her memory
But occasionally she comes back to me
The last time she did
My mother told me how much she has missed me, how proud she is of me and how much she loves me
Those are the moments I cherish
For one day soon
It will be all that I will have to hold on to.
Pain of yesterday
I find strength in its vulnerability
Weakness in honesty
The darkness a welcoming relief
How do you let go of a love you have never known
The capacity of trust
Just let it go
Your silence attacking me
Struggling to breathe
Unable to comprehend
Acceptance, a foreign word
Unconditional love, something I’ve never known
Mind full of disbelief
Concealed are the pieces
Continuing to feed
Life of tragedies
I’m summed up to be
Never wanting that label
Can’t run from your destiny
Alone with my thoughts
I’ll always be that person
I collect the pieces
The broken inside
It’s all of me
You promised me so many things
Tired of forcing this
You made me believe
I should have known
I was never enough
I will never live up to your expectations of who I should be
If you could look back
Reflect on the silence
All the times I was at my weakest
I took a chance
I finally spoke
And you used it against me
No longer the person I use to be
Once Strong, now weak
I am nothing and everything to you
All I ever wanted was to just be me
Tired of drowning in this misery
Pretending we are happy
I choose me
A day of heartbreak
Fueled by memories
Reflecting on what was
Before disruption of peace
I honor them all
My thoughts with their families
Today they cry alone
As their loved ones never came home.