I Survive

Throughout my life

I fall

I rise

I live

I learn

I survive

Against life’s tapestry

Taking forward strides

In my darkest moments

I stop

I retreat

I isolate

I cry

I still survive

Detours, destinations, love, loss and lies

Along this unforgiving path

Alone or with allies

I keep trying

My journey started with trauma

I have looked evil in the eyes

I have overcome those that tried to take my life

I have been abandoned

Completely cast aside by those that gave me life

I have prepared to die numerous times

I have been cut apart

I have been embedded with foreign parts

Broken, stitched together and cauterized

I did survive

But along the way

I have experienced many wonderful times

I have seen a child brought into this world

I have held the hand of someone leaving this life

I have felt a love that never dies

I have seen the world through someone else’s eyes

I have laid under a million stars across the night sky

I have been lost and found

I have found my voice

I have realized my strength

I have learned forgiveness

I have seen many beautiful scenes

I have survived

Across this fragile thing called life

I stand

I live

I fight

These scars represent the battles I’ve won

The pain serves as my battle cry

A warrior

I ALWAYS SURVIVE

 

What do you see
What Do You See

Erasing Me

I want to scream
Tears flowing
Heart racing
Watching as they are stolen
Memories wiped clean

Faces of anger
Locked away voices of grief
Conflicting realities
Desperately seeking relief
Begging for clarity
Hours
Days
Weeks
To them
It’s all the same thing
Stripped of comprehending

The worst part of growing up
They age too

Powerless

Nothing I can do
As they slip further into the disease
For one day soon
It will completely erase me

Standing
In front of them
As
A
Stranger

They once knew

Their
Daughter
The gift of Parkinson’s, Dementia & alzheimers
I hate you

Anthology

I am incredibly honored to have 3 pieces selected for inclusion in the anthology, Screaming from the Silence

@vociferouspress @nightandsparrow

Screaming from the Silence consists of three sections:

Stanzas from the Silence – poetry

Stories from the Silence – prose

Sketches from the Silence – visual art

Coming January 2020

History of We


It was me

I fucked it up so badly

All these broken pieces

Sharp edges continue to cut

Shredding love

Distorting compassion

Releasing anger

Casting shadows of doubt

I hate myself for it all

 

You loved unconditionally

Attempting to bandage internal wounds

I pushed you away

My demons wouldn’t let you get too close

Forever damaged

I can’t be saved despite your efforts

Sabotaged eternally

 

I am truly sorry

You deserve so much more than I could ever be

Never having to pay the price for the disaster that I turned out to be

 

While you were attempting to save me

I drowned us both in the pain

Holding my love hostage for fears sake

 

I don’t know how to do this without you

 

I cherish the moments 

The laughter

Spontaneous adventures

Your embrace

Quiet nights on the couch with you

We shared so much

Holding my hand when I was too weak to face it alone

The feel of your touch

I will miss you

Please don’t erase me and our memories


While you were attempting to save me I drowned us both in the pain Holding my love hostage for fears sake

Saying Goodbye

And there it was
Spoken outloud
The words cutting deep
We knew it was lingering
Something about the finality
Realization
Sadness
Anger
Overwhelming thoughts
Impending disaster
Decisions
Splitting assets
Selling everything
Mutually agreed
There is no coming back
No redo
Options exhausted
It’s real
It’s happening
Divorce
Ending of our dreams
Saying goodbye to you and me

xoxo
♥️me
10/02/2019

Waves of Need

Our journey may be different
Our needs evolve over time
Our wants fluctuate
Sometimes leaving behind troubled waters

Like the flow of the ocean, hard and consuming, it can leave us submerged
During the emotional storms we often struggle just to remain afloat

When the waters are calm and serene we sink blindly into the unknown dangers below the surface
This isn’t the way your life has to go

Our deep buried emotions can attempt to drown us temporarily or teach us to swim forever

The water, like our emotions, can be misleading
Our view can be distorted depending on where we currently stand
The terror is frightening if your desperately treading water in the sea
Alternatively
The warm, sweet, & blissful release of comfort and security is only realized once you make it to the beach


Realization crashing against the sand of our circumstance
It’s your journey
It’s your life, in your hands
Sometimes we need to reach out and that is where strength comes in

The weight of the ocean will only leave you treading water
That’s not a place you can sustain, only staying afloat until the weight of the pain is too intense

The ocean’s current below you working to pull you in, like the negativity you have deep within

So many are standing just on the sand, waiting, offering and willing to give you a hand
You only need to take that chance grab it

We each need assistance at some point


For someone to encourage, validate and tell us we can, we are and save us from drowning in the flood of emotions

Strength comes when you don’t have many other options, so let is save you
from life’s waves of high tides and sinking further in the lows.

xoxo
♥️me
7/14/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Serenaded by the sea

The Ugly Truth

I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.

I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.

I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.

I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.

Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.

Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.

The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.

I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.

If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.

But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.

You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.

I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.

Where was my protector & biggest fan.

The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.

I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.

Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.

No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.

The truth never hurts
Their lies disgusting 
Unable to rewrite history
Validation arrives on shattered dreams
My truth, written for all eternity

§



xoxo
♥️me
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Anxiety

As I lay here
On steady ground
I feel it beginning
There is no escaping

I turn to my stomach
As if to hold on tighter
And brace harder for the impact
Every muscle in my body tensing
My heart pounding against the ground
The silence is deafening
As the sunshine takes my sight

I keep pushing
Its not helping
I can feel it coming
I close my eyes

Still edging closer
As the thoughts race to the surface
Vivid scenes quickly flash through my mind

I can’t stop it
Not this time
Extremely uncomfortable
Both body & mind
It has a way of resurfacing at the wrong time
As if it can sense my vulnerability


I should know this
As soon as I stop running
It arrives
Running from the horror
Desperately seeking me Chasing me
Just waiting
In my tortured little mind

xoxo
♥️me
7/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Dissolution of Me

Pain of yesterday
A curse
A blessing
I find strength in its vulnerability
Weakness in honesty
The darkness a welcoming relief

How do you let go of a love you have never known
The capacity of trust
Never enough
Flawlessly indisposed
Just let it go
Your silence attacking me
Heartbreaking
Struggling to breathe

Unable to comprehend
Acceptance, a foreign word
Unconditional love, something I’ve never known

Mind full of disbelief

Concealed are the pieces
Continuing to feed
Distant memories
Quiet desperation
Life of tragedies
I’m summed up to be
Never wanting that label
Can’t run from your destiny
Alone with my thoughts
I’ll always be that person
I collect the pieces
The broken inside
It’s all of me

xoxo
♥️me
9/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

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