Alone

Which version do you prefer me to be?

The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly

The me that fits your perception of who I should be

The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees

It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be

One day I’m going to only have myself to please

I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand

Love me

Hate me

There is no in between

I understand though because I feel the same things

I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe

Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside

The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me

I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost

Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me

Devastation added on top of the underlying pain

Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable

What else would you expect me to do

I turn it all inside

Carrying all the burdens

Hiding all the shame

Running from the memories

At the end of the day I have no one to blame

It’s ok though because I know that pain

I feel invisible

Nothing to lose

Oh wait, that’s right

That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue

I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am

My broken pieces run far to deep

Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep

Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies

Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away

All the labels and judgment

Fill my ears

But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them

Too sensitive

Too bossy

Too picky

Too upset

Too cautious

Too angry

Too hurt

Too organized

Too right

Too wrong

Too isolated

Too weak

Too strong

Too emotional

Too tired

Too sexy

Too much

Too difficult

Too quiet

Too old

Too kind

Too loud

Too thoughtful

Too busy

Too hyper

Too complicated

Too Broken

Surrounded by all the voices

Seeming so intrigued

Fascinated by my words & wisdom

They like me

They love me

Oops once again I’ve been misled

They were only passing the time

And never again thought of me

Have you ever truly felt this alone?

October 26, 2019 26

Waves of Need

Our journey may be different
Our needs evolve over time
Our wants fluctuate
Sometimes leaving behind troubled waters

Like the flow of the ocean, hard and consuming, it can leave us submerged
During the emotional storms we often struggle just to remain afloat

When the waters are calm and serene we sink blindly into the unknown dangers below the surface
This isn’t the way your life has to go

Our deep buried emotions can attempt to drown us temporarily or teach us to swim forever

The water, like our emotions, can be misleading
Our view can be distorted depending on where we currently stand
The terror is frightening if your desperately treading water in the sea
Alternatively
The warm, sweet, & blissful release of comfort and security is only realized once you make it to the beach

Realization crashing against the sand of our circumstance
It’s your journey
It’s your life, in your hands
Sometimes we need to reach out and that is where strength comes in

The weight of the ocean will only leave you treading water
That’s not a place you can sustain, only staying afloat until the weight of the pain is too intense

The ocean’s current below you working to pull you in, like the negativity you have deep within

So many are standing just on the sand, waiting, offering and willing to give you a hand
You only need to take that chance grab it

We each need assistance at some point

For someone to encourage, validate and tell us we can, we are and save us from drowning in the flood of emotions

Strength comes when you don’t have many other options, so let is save you
from life’s waves of high tides and sinking further in the lows.

xoxo
♥️me
7/14/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 30, 2019 1

The Ugly Truth

I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.

I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.

I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.

I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.

Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.

Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.

The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.

I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.

If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.

But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.

You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.

I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.

Where was my protector & biggest fan.

The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.

I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.

Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.

No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bare, as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system, and no justice will ever prevail for me.

The truth never hurts
Their lies disgusting
Unable to rewrite history
Validation arrives on shattered dreams
My truth, written for all eternity

xoxo
♥️me
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 28, 2019 32

Dark Horse

◈

Racing against mystery
Shadows looming
Cautions of intensity
Unknown struggle
Surviving memories

Hunger for truth
Taste of victory
She will win the battle that no one knows she is facing

Setting her goals
Following her dreams
Led by conviction

Paving the path
No longer silenced

A WARRIOR

Achieving
Her fight against complex ptsd
The dark horse is me

◈

xoxo
♥️me
9/18/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 18, 2019 10

Anxiety

As I lay here
On steady ground
I feel it beginning
There is no escaping

I turn to my stomach
As if to hold on tighter
And brace harder for the impact
Every muscle in my body tensing
My heart pounding against the ground
The silence is deafening
As the sunshine takes my sight

I keep pushing
Its not helping
I can feel it coming
I close my eyes

Still edging closer
As the thoughts race to the surface
Vivid scenes quickly flash through my mind

I can’t stop it
Not this time
Extremely uncomfortable
Both body & mind
It has a way of resurfacing at the wrong time
As if it can sense my vulnerability

I should know this
As soon as I stop running
It arrives
Running from the horror
Desperately seeking me Chasing me
Just waiting
In my tortured little mind

xoxo
♥️me
7/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 17, 2019 17

Dissolution of Me

Pain of yesterday
A curse
A blessing
I find strength in its vulnerability
Weakness in honesty
The darkness a welcoming relief

How do you let go of a love you have never known
The capacity of trust
Never enough
Flawlessly indisposed
Just let it go
Your silence attacking me
Heartbreaking
Struggling to breathe

Unable to comprehend
Acceptance, a foreign word
Unconditional love, something I’ve never known

Mind full of disbelief

Concealed are the pieces
Continuing to feed
Distant memories
Quiet desperation
Life of tragedies
I’m summed up to be
Never wanting that label
Can’t run from your destiny
Alone with my thoughts
I’ll always be that person
I collect the pieces
The broken inside
It’s all of me

xoxo
♥️me
9/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 15, 2019 10

Solace and Sanity

 
 Your hand released 
 Everything changed
 Family extracted 
 Like I never existed 
 
 Lost 

Little girl
 Tear filled eyes
 Stains down on her cheeks
 Scars across her tiny body
 
Prisoner
 
 Love, a foreign dream
 Comfort, no such thing 
 Tragedy, encompassed grief

Suffering
 
 Those dark brown eyes
 Concealing what they have seen
 Visual antipathy 

Broken
 
 Little smile
 Pasted on perfectly
Something she learned 
Authentic joy a mystery

Alone

 Separated siblings
Mix and Match despite their feelings
  Disposed of completely

 Abandoned 

 Another child
 Made to pay the price
Adult responsibilities 
 Addiction's insanity 

  Violence 
 
 Seven years old
Lifetime of misery
 Wise beyond belief
 Desperately pursuing stability 

 Acceptance

 Running to escape memories
 Desperate for harmony 
Just a little safety and peace

 Solace

 Wonderment in simple things
 Never taking each breath for granted
  Every day a new opportunity
 
 Admiring

Thoughts infiltrating
Positive healing
 Complete tranquility
 
  Sunrise

 Lost in the majestic beauty
 Embraced by strength
 Smile on her face
 Kissed by the sunlight
 Absolute comfort
 
Serenity
 
 xoxo
 ♥️me
 9/7/2019
 Thebrokeninsideofme.com

Thebrokeninsideofme.com Photo Credit, Jason Legge

September 9, 2019 29

My Roots

Layers
Self protection
Numerous
Her core never seen
Slowly blooming
Realization
Soul bare
Vulnerable
Apprehensive to be seen
Strength brought to light
A survivor
Fear and honesty
Co-mingling
Glorious determination
Gaining momentum
With the drop of every leaf
Falling apart
Roots run deep
My pieces
Finding strength

xoxo
♥️me
9/3/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com

September 3, 2019 0

Positivity Press #51 — Luna

While you are judging Others are suffering Silence is a killer Implanting fear We all just want to be accepted Be kind If negativity leads your words Don’t speak Just listen Sometimes that’s all that is needed It could save a life Something so simple Hearing the words that we are scared to say Tremendous […]

via Positivity Press #51 — Luna