Quietly watching
Anticipating
I wander
Lost in thought
Desperately hoping
For the peace
That eludes me each night
Continually seeking
For something
I have yet to find
In the antelucan hour
Between the darkness and light
I find beauty
Struggling
An internal battle
Acceptance
Forgiveness
Yesterhurt reminders
Stealing my time
Shadowing light
I continue
Fighting
The war inside
Divine beauty
Softly shattered
Vicious reality
Longing & desire
Darkness & hate
Stunning reflection
Assumptions misplaced
Perfectly discarded
Judgmental society
Fueled by jealousy & rage
She hides in the shadows
Desperately hoping
Acceptance takes its place
Which version do you prefer me to be?
The me that doesn’t always suit you quite so perfectly
The me that fits your perception of who I should be
The me who never has moments of weakness that brings me to my knees
It is difficult trying to be who everyone wants me to be
One day I’m going to only have myself to please
I reach out for your hand, repeatedly waiting just for someone to understand
Love me
Hate me
There is no in between
I understand though because I feel the same things
I’ve spent my whole life just trying to breathe
Still to this day I run, I hide, driving around aimlessly in an attempt ignore the brokenness that is inside
The only thing I really need is someone to listen and comfort the pieces that are me
I know they say love comes with a cost Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so damn lost
Not feeling accepted has taken a toll on me
Devastation added on top of the underlying pain
Nothing I can do but sit holding no one accountable
What else would you expect me to do
I turn it all inside
Carrying all the burdens
Hiding all the shame
Running from the memories
At the end of the day I have no one to blame
It’s ok though because I know that pain
I feel invisible
Nothing to lose
Oh wait, that’s right
That’s when I get told I don’t have a clue
I wonder if I’ve ever really showed anyone who I really am
My broken pieces run far to deep
Inside my demons constantly keeping me from sleep
Continually re-victimized by the very same voices that keep feeding me lies
Just when I feel I can’t hold on one more day, it occurs to me that no one is coming to save me and it doesn’t even matter if I were to walk away
All the labels and judgment
Fill my ears
But again no one knows the shell of a woman standing in front of them
Too sensitive
Too bossy
Too picky
Too upset
Too cautious
Too angry
Too hurt
Too organized
Too right
Too wrong
Too isolated
Too weak
Too strong
Too emotional
Too tired
Too sexy
Too much
Too difficult
Too quiet
Too old
Too kind
Too loud
Too thoughtful
Too busy
Too hyper
Too complicated
Too Broken
Surrounded by all the voices
Seeming so intrigued
Fascinated by my words & wisdom
They like me
They love me
Oops once again I’ve been misled
They were only passing the time
And never again thought of me
Have you ever truly felt this alone?
A desperate yearning
Emotions run deep
Soulful intensity
Reminiscent of the greatest love stories
Complete serenity
Happiness
Love and empathy
Truth and sincerity
Judgment free
Words led by compassion
Actions reflecting honesty
Am I searching for something that doesn’t exist?
Am I even capable of recognizing it?
Void of ability
The truth
It’s probably me
Embracing numbness
Forcing it away
Too fearful of rejection
Expecting you to leave
Bracing for it
Ruining this
Keeping you close
Not letting you in completely
Hypocrisy speaking
♥
It was me
I fucked it up so badly
All these broken pieces
Sharp edges continue to cut
Shredding love
Distorting compassion
Releasing anger
Casting shadows of doubt
I hate myself for it all
You loved unconditionally
Attempting to bandage internal wounds
I pushed you away
My demons wouldn’t let you get too close
Forever damaged
I can’t be saved despite your efforts
Sabotaged eternally
I am truly sorry
You deserve so much more than I could ever be
Never having to pay the price for the disaster that I turned out to be
While you were attempting to save me
I drowned us both in the pain
Holding my love hostage for fears sake
I don’t know how to do this without you
I cherish the moments
The laughter
Spontaneous adventures
Your embrace
Quiet nights on the couch with you
We shared so much
Holding my hand when I was too weak to face it alone
The feel of your touch
I will miss you
Please don’t erase me and our memories
♥
Our journey may be different
Our needs evolve over time
Our wants fluctuate
Sometimes leaving behind troubled waters
Like the flow of the ocean, hard and consuming, it can leave us submerged
During the emotional storms we often struggle just to remain afloat
When the waters are calm and serene we sink blindly into the unknown dangers below the surface
This isn’t the way your life has to go
Our deep buried emotions can attempt to drown us temporarily or teach us to swim forever
The water, like our emotions, can be misleading
Our view can be distorted depending on where we currently stand
The terror is frightening if your desperately treading water in the sea
Alternatively
The warm, sweet, & blissful release of comfort and security is only realized once you make it to the beach
Realization crashing against the sand of our circumstance
It’s your journey
It’s your life, in your hands
Sometimes we need to reach out and that is where strength comes in
The weight of the ocean will only leave you treading water
That’s not a place you can sustain, only staying afloat until the weight of the pain is too intense
The ocean’s current below you working to pull you in, like the negativity you have deep within
So many are standing just on the sand, waiting, offering and willing to give you a hand
You only need to take that chance grab it
We each need assistance at some point
For someone to encourage, validate and tell us we can, we are and save us from drowning in the flood of emotions
Strength comes when you don’t have many other options, so let is save you
from life’s waves of high tides and sinking further in the lows.
xoxo
♥️me
7/14/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
As I lay here
On steady ground
I feel it beginning
There is no escaping
I turn to my stomach
As if to hold on tighter
And brace harder for the impact
Every muscle in my body tensing
My heart pounding against the ground
The silence is deafening
As the sunshine takes my sight
I keep pushing
Its not helping
I can feel it coming
I close my eyes
Still edging closer
As the thoughts race to the surface
Vivid scenes quickly flash through my mind
I can’t stop it
Not this time
Extremely uncomfortable
Both body & mind
It has a way of resurfacing at the wrong time
As if it can sense my vulnerability
I should know this
As soon as I stop running
It arrives
Running from the horror
Desperately seeking me Chasing me
Just waiting
In my tortured little mind
xoxo
♥️me
7/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
Pain of yesterday
A curse
A blessing
I find strength in its vulnerability
Weakness in honesty
The darkness a welcoming relief
How do you let go of a love you have never known
The capacity of trust
Never enough
Flawlessly indisposed
Just let it go
Your silence attacking me
Heartbreaking
Struggling to breathe
Unable to comprehend
Acceptance, a foreign word
Unconditional love, something I’ve never known
Mind full of disbelief
Concealed are the pieces
Continuing to feed
Distant memories
Quiet desperation
Life of tragedies
I’m summed up to be
Never wanting that label
Can’t run from your destiny
Alone with my thoughts
I’ll always be that person
I collect the pieces
The broken inside
It’s all of me
xoxo
♥️me
9/5/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
Your hand released
Everything changed
Family extracted
Like I never existed
Lost
Little girl
Tear filled eyes
Stains down on her cheeks
Scars across her tiny body
Prisoner
Love, a foreign dream
Comfort, no such thing
Tragedy, encompassed grief
Suffering
Those dark brown eyes
Concealing what they have seen
Visual antipathy
Broken
Little smile
Pasted on perfectly
Something she learned
Authentic joy a mystery
Alone
Separated siblings
Mix and Match despite their feelings
Disposed of completely
Abandoned
Another child
Made to pay the price
Adult responsibilities
Addiction's insanity
Violence
Seven years old
Lifetime of misery
Wise beyond belief
Desperately pursuing stability
Acceptance
Running to escape memories
Desperate for harmony
Just a little safety and peace
Solace
Wonderment in simple things
Never taking each breath for granted
Every day a new opportunity
Admiring
Thoughts infiltrating
Positive healing
Complete tranquility
Sunrise
Lost in the majestic beauty
Embraced by strength
Smile on her face
Kissed by the sunlight
Absolute comfort
Serenity
xoxo
♥️me
9/7/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme.com
