Why Me

Another house

A new family

Why me

New school

No one knows me

why me

A different room

New monsters

why me

All alone

This house isn’t home

why me

Picked up and removed

They have no clue

Why me

My brother is gone

Can’t even call on the phone

why me

A million tragedies

Locked inside of me

why me

Remember smile and be polite

Complete strangers judging

why me

Examined under the light

Imperfection in plain sight

why me

Confused, damaged and all alone

Scary visions feel more like home

why me

Different than them

Only demons live within

Why me

Surviving the darkness

Hungry and cold

Why me

Sleeping on a bed of stone

Down by the river as viciousness unfolds

Why me

xoxo

me

8/21/2019

Thebrokeninsideofme.com

55 thoughts on “Why Me

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  1. Thank you for sharing the fear, loneliness, & confusion of childhood betrayal & abandonment…& how it still shapes us going forward.

    I can’t remember if I shared this post w/ you before but it’s based on counteracting the repeating words that drained my soul for many years (rejected, despised, abandoned, betrayed, deceived) & finding hope & healing in some key Bible verses & tangential insights. Perhaps it might bless you too:

    https://specialconnections.wordpress.com/2019/06/25/rewriting-an-old-tape-of-lies/

  2. I can relate first hand how much you ask yourself

    What did I do

    How could you be so mad at me ?

    I had my innocents rip from me by the one that suppose to protect you the most . It as I call because you gave me life but that’s it.

    If you want to know more !

    Read My Story : https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2019/03/08/fragments-of-what-remains/

    What you will see is very surreal and a lot to take in Taylor

    Slainte

    Alex

      1. No problem Taylor its not easy living, riding constant Roller Coaster where there is no getting off of that twisted bitch.

        Through Your horrific ordeal how did you come to find out you had Complex C ?

        For me as I correlated I endured and was subjected to from 9-16 at the hands of mommy dearest. When tried to reach for help after a mate of mine was being physically abuse by his alcoholic father. I thought if they would believe him why not me?

        Guess I was wrong because they told me at school to stop telling surreal stories. WTF being at tender age and knowing how hard it was to reach out I was shattered with dismay.

        That night I honestly believe I wasn’t going to see the sun raise again. I knew that if I wanted to survive and fight with everything I got it would be up to me and me alone.

        The Darkness in the Basement of Secrets became my ally that and only friend I had Seamus my teddy bear.

        As I knew there would be repercussions from recoil of fighting back its something I knew I would need to endured and show no fear inside the gates of Hell.

        When you open Pandora’s Box there is going to be unspeakable nemesis unleashed.

        Before Christmas I was not feeling myself losing my patience more easily lashing out in anger. I knew something wasn’t right but never in million years. Would I think it would be Complex C

        Many ppl think PTSD and Complex C are the same they are some ways but different in many ways.

        Same goes for the level of extremity from visualizing vs enduring like I did for 7 yrs.

        So I’m learning to cope and adapt take it day by day.

        When I am able lay to rest I do

        Alex

        1. Through my writing a means of release to help me express my thoughts and conviction. Has really help me to further my understanding knowing I am not alone.

          You know what the definition of true leader is Taylor ?

          Or let me propose differently what does that mean to you?

          Like I said riding the constant roller coaster there times where I am making strides only to come with cruel reality that its mirage because I know what twisted sadistic ride imperial awaits me.

          What did or do you find has help you manage this voracious shadow ?

          I have started on CBD I know it takes awhile to build up.

          Thoughts

          1. You may also want to research dissociation. This is a very real way we learned to cope as children and I had no idea that clouded memories, forgetting, checkin out or blackouts weren’t a normal thing for a lot of people. It’s something I’m still learning about and trying to be more mindful of and offer myself for compassion and kindness. It’s 100% not our fault and the only way we were able to deal with what we faced.

          2. I completely understand Alex, and sadly that will never go away. It has gotten a little easier for me but that’s only on my best days and those don’t come often. Cptsd is truly a life sentence in my mind and there is nothing that can reverse or negate the damage done. I truly appreciate you talking with me about something so hard to open up about. I still struggle with that as well, hence the creation of my blog. I just could not hold the horror in any longer and simply don’t have anyone that I can speak to about it all, because they can’t understand or relate or it’s to difficult for them to hear. Thank you for being here

          3. Anytime Knowing you are and have endured having someone I can correlate with means a lot. Because even though I am surrounded by love and compassion from my pack there are times I see I am so isolated.

          4. I honestly believe I was going to be murder by its hand also to twice a Raven appeared to me for so long I never knew what the meaning was.I do know that Ravens in many cultures are seen as Guardian Watcher so perhaps it was my Father watching over me when he was on assignment. When was home I knew play time would not fucking happen, once I tried telling him and it told me if pull stunt like that again it would to my Dad’s X.O and say he was doing things to me WTF and in the armed forces just very perception of allegations is career killer. And I know what he was doing was ridden the world of evil.

          5. So incredibly sad and infuriating at the same time. If it was ever possible, I would have listened and done everything in my power to help you Alex. You are worthy of that, even as a stranger, I would have given my life to protect another.

          6. Thank you Taylor I thought others would share the same but that was denied because to them I was just telling stories…

            Think as 9 yr old boy how hard it would be to reach for desperate rescue only to be mocked at.

            It felt like had acid ripping my guts out because like I said I was certain I would not see the sun rise again.

            For so long I asked myself what did I do to make you hate me so much?
            Hork in my face numerous times call me disgusting, disappointment.

            Its rage was projected towards me because how much I look like me Dad.

            Many times all I would be given was bread and water.

            The Darkness became my shadow of serenity I thought if I can stay hidden they couldn’t’ hurt me or force me to play their fucking games.

            But its a basement only so many places you can hide. Lol

          7. I too experienced the same rejection when I tried to save myself, the fact that the psychopaths are believed over innocent children is a true testament to their evilness and insanity.

          8. Agreed nemesis takes on many faces of deception.

            Do ever feel as if your a burden to others Taylor?

            So many think there is on and off switch one size fits all ….guess again

            I find it very deceptive when others will tell you time heals everything what a fucking mirage time heals nothing. Some wounds no matter how much you’ve overcome remain always open only the salt soaks deeper into them.

          9. I always feel like a burden. Sad but true statement. There is no amount of time that can heal the wounds not visible, it is a constant battle.

          10. Agree I also believe with certainty I was gravitating towards it ….WTF come to find out thinking play time was acceptable affection I also went through Stockholm Syndrome at the time I had no idea I did or would accept things as being such.

          11. There are things I have found help me I still don’t why its always the strongest that are strucked down with vengeance the most perhaps it could because we can endured the most.

            Whenever your gambling with the Reaper his hand will always be cocked and loaded.

            Things I have find that help me process is my writing , drawing and painting.

            Remember I ask you what a true leader means to you Taylor?

            I’m curious to know your view

          12. A true leader to me is someone that leads with their pack, not in front of or behind but amongst them. Leading requires strength, determination, creativity and responding well under pressure. I truly believe that trauma endured has left us survivors but at the same time we are capable of great things including leading. When you are betrayed by those that should love you the most, over years, you acquire special skillsets to survive and we did survive. As many devastating affects as it has imposed on our lives, it has also proven to provide some specific characteristics that aid us in being great leaders, reaching our goals and holding the hands of those that need us. We value honesty, compassion, empathy, loyalty and the truth, these are the qualities of the greatest leaders. It’s complex and a continuous battle but we survive, because that’s what we know how to do best.

          13. Wow couldn’t said it better myself Brilliant

            Everyone always think its about perfection when its further from the raw truth . Its about precision of your actions into conviction well wagering your own storms helping others find their foundation.

          14. I write, I drive, I clean, I build stuff, paint, go to the beach and I read, these are the things that diffuse my mind and allow me to refocus my negative thoughts

          15. So in your testament you were devastated by Harvey like Sandy were both not major cat Hurricanes but amount of sheer volume of rain and flooding they both brought were crushing.

          16. So You live in Texas then ?

            Besides what you mention what do you to release or relax ?
            For me listening to music fuels the soul with life depending on what I’m doing it can vary to my taste.

          17. Yes I’m in Texas and you are located where? I also enjoy music as a therapeutic way to release or at minimum drown out the negativity. Sometimes I find it therapeutic to sit with my demons briefly just to feel something.

          18. Canada

            Where in Texas Austin ?

            Like I said listen to many different types but always go back to my roots of Hard Rock.

            So who do you like to listen to ?

            I can send you some tracks to check out!

            Also are you on facebook?
            If so look up Rock Heads Twisted Metal that is my music group.

          19. I also written and created my own philosophy, working on my second book that is very raw and intoxicating with voracious mind bending fear.

            Would you like to know more Taylor !

          20. So I wanted to create the essence of brimstone into human form he looks and resembles a man but acts on predatorial instinct purely as primal. He uses his method of toxic euphoria of execution. Into toxins more specifically venom never uses the same method of death twice . Or attacks the same place twice, his victims serve no purpose except a means to an end until he has painted his master canvas.Watching and see their life inch by inch as his cocktail courses through their veins. Brings him to climax with excitment its almost unbearable for him to contain his twisted euphoria.

          21. Thanks I very twisted wild imagination lol

            Like I’ve said I loved being the Crocodile at the water hole maybe you live to see another day or fate has been sealed with anticipation of the Reaper awaiting your lingering demised

          22. I called the Viper

            His is the instrument to blanket the world in chaos and death.

            I am still working the back story bringing all the characters together but every great pyschotic puppet master has their kryptonite.

            Perhaps you can throw some ideas at me I will tell you what I have sound good Taylor

          23. Same I have lost track of time thanks so much to hearing my story knowing I am not alone and can correlate with someone walking in my shoes riding the twisted roller coaster.

            Thank you Taylor means a lot

            Good night to you as well

          24. Yes, it is definitely one of my most peaceful places and were I am able to completely relax and just be in the moment without intrusive thoughts.

          25. A few yrs back before I realized I have complex c , I had 2 anxiety attacks and perhaps that was the first sign that things were fucked up and there was a massive Storm coming for me.

        2. Wow, that was really brave of you to share your soul and demons with me, thank you for that. I wish there was a different level we could have connected on but life fucked us equally. I’m grateful to know I’m not alone and that the lifelong repercussions do not only affect me. I am truly sorry for what you endured especially at the hands of someone that should have protected you. You were miserably failed by so many.

          I think the lack of remorse, ownership, complete denial and not being held accountable, legally, allows for my demons to feed on the pieces left of me. It’s absolutely a life time of pain and some days I struggle more than others but I will not let the evil in them and their actions take me anymore than they already have. That is what allows me to see another day.

          I was finally strong enough to face it 3 years ago and went for testing to finally determine how it all has affected me, like I knew but needed to have it actually verified in writing, sort of a diagnosis of truth, I just need to hear that it wasn’t just in my head and that there are ways to ease some of the things I’ve struggled with my entire life. It was extremely hard to face, almost as if it made it more real, but I got through it and am better for knowing.

          I agree cptsd and PTSD have some common occurrences but cptsd is for prolonged childhood abuse, in addition to never learning the coping mechanisms that we should have as children, instead we learned to run, hide, trust no one, live in fear and silence. It is truly the hardest thing and I am here anytime you need to talk. xoxo

          1. Thanks the hardest testament is knowing that when I am enduring these violent intense nightmares that have gone more surreal at times I am just so fucking exhausted and drained . I ‘m 9 yr old version of me where being inside the Basement of secrets I can see the light from the top of the stairs . But escape easier said than done and that sadistic twisted bitch Hyde , Jekyll would not deny her play time with me.

            I am so glad that hatred and acts of rage were projected at me were only physical if I had to endure both at same time even I did because of
            ( it) my own abuser saw me more as human how fucked up is that Taylor

          2. There certain things that set me off one of them is black licorice anything smells like makes me cringed. I would be tied to a chair and whipped for hours. There were times I wouldn’t be able to go to school so the marks would heal. And Godforbid put a wrenched into its fucking secret eh.

            There were many times I pray it would just end and put me outta my fucking agonizing misery but where is the fun in that.

            I was asked in session whether they would be safe with me I said no not with what Pandora is going to unleashed.

          3. Yes I understand, there are many things that bring me back to that head space as well. It is terror and I hate it. I’ve never been able to trust enough to do talk therapy because I don’t think I can handle opening the locked away memories so I just grin and bare it. I know they say it will get worse before it gets better but I fear I can not take any worse, maybe not strong enough, in my mind the pieces locked away all this time are hidden to protect me and I walk a fine line between giving in and giving up so I’m not willing to risk it.

          4. Never surrender to the Storm if you ‘re going to go out let it be fighting until your last Goddam breath. I rather die standing then be shattered an enslaved on my fucking knees.

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