Complex PTSD

Do you really know what it is?
It’s so much more than a label
It’s more than a mental illness
It’s closer to a death sentence
It’s sheer terror
It’s sleepless nights
It’s guarding
It’s being on constant alert
It’s exhausting
It’s self blame
It’s not trusting
It’s fear
It’s panic
It’s a noise
It’s a smell
It’s a reminder
It’s uncontrollable crying
It’s night terrors
It’s waking up struggling to breathe
It’s isolation
It’s mental torture
It’s self destructive
It’s anger
Its nausea
It’s headaches
It’s not eating
It’s eating too much
It’s being sad
It’s shutting down
It’s fantasizing of running away
It’s getting lost in your thoughts
It’s a need to be heard but not wanting to speak
It’s procrastinating
It’s searching for a purpose
It’s clinging to unrealistic expectations
It’s losing hours & days
It’s complete disparage
It’s utter desperation
It’s chaos
It’s hiding
It’s putting others comfort above your own
It’s a lifetime of fighting
It’s being strong while feeling your weakest
It’s shifting between being totally numb to heightened awareness
It’s life or death
It’s social awkwardness
It’s paralyzing fear
It’s aimlessly wandering
It’s wearing your pain
It’s disclosing nothing
It’s having to be in control
It’s mental torture
It’s visual scars that constantly remind you
It’s like treading water
It’s physical pain
It’s backing out of commitments
It’s needing recovery time after having to be 100% present at functions
It’s pretending to be fine
It’s feeling like a burden
It’s negative voices in your head
It’s overwhelming
It’s overthinking
It’s overanalyzing ever word
It’s rejection
It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin
It’s feeling like a failure
It’s trying to escape the horrid flashbacks
It’s feeling unlovable
It’s contemplating seeing another day
It’s wondering who you could have been
It’s failing
It’s self hate
It’s avoiding people
It’s not answering the phone
It’s not responding to messages
It’s closing the blinds
It’s not answering the door
It’s unforgiving
It’s panic attacks
It’s anxiety
It’s depression
It’s disassociation
It’s hating yourself
It’s restlessness
It’s excitement that turns to fear
It’s countless surgeries
It’s living around the pain
It’s sexual disfunction
It’s blinding rage
It’s damaged relationships
It’s being criticized
It’s being pushed away
It’s being excluded
It’s hopelessness
It’s the echo of your pounding heart
It’s never finding your way
It’s wishing it would take you
It’s being hypersensitive to body language
It’s feeling sorry that your spouse has to attempt to decipher your mood
It’s long days and even longer nights spent lost with no direction
It’s praying for a better day
It’s searching for a distraction
It’s knowing nothing can change
It’s watching your life as an outsider
It’s just wanting to be left alone
It’s knowing this is the best it will get
It’s finding comfort in the pain
It’s fight or flight daily
It’s lost moments
It’s rumors
It’s victim blaming
It’s hearing their whispers
It’s being called crazy
It’s judgment and being told it’s just attention seeking
It’s complex because it affects every part of who I am
It’s so much more than this EVERY SINGLE DAY
Speaking only from my perspective and experience since I live it every minute of my life.

xoxo

The Broken Inside of Me
6/12/19

25 thoughts on “Complex PTSD

  1. -Eugenia

    You expressed yourself very well in dealing with the dark side of life. The fact that you’re writing about it takes courage and a major step in the right direction. Thank you for following BrewNSpew.

      1. Gordon

        There are a lot of people who suffer from PTSD. You are far from alone. Most of the combat vets that I know have it. There are many women vets that have it and it is a sad thing. Women in combat areas not only suffer from combat but also sexual attacks.

        1. Taylor Grace

          True. The sense of shame, almost taboo to speak out loud invites fear and feeling as an outcast, keeps the silence for most. I appreciate your willingness to discuss something many aren’t open to hear ♥️

          1. Gordon

            I have been in therapy with other vets for a very long time. It is just recently that I have come into contact with women vets because we all have medical service dogs. One female vet recently attempted suicide but her dog stepped in and prevented it. It was fortunate because she was going to jump from a bridge and the dog was watching her and she realized that had she jumped the dog would have followed her so it would have been a double tragedy. The woman is now in a PTSD program run by the VA and her dog is with her. Thank God for that dog.

  2. Cathy Mellen

    Thank You for sharing this Taylor 💕 So perfectly written & true!! I try to tell people it is not random memories but rather something that is there every second of every minute of every day 😥 I always said Strength is not in the weights you can lift! Strength is in the Smile we carry while holding the weight of the world on our shoulders.. 💖

  3. Ian Cartwright

    Hello Taylor. WOW, I cried, would you mind me sharing this. I will credit you and your FB and web page. I am at Uni and they have asked for Poem submissions on Suicide. You just wrote about me in your poem. I am 60 in 3 months and finally got sober aged 54. Thank you in anticipation.
    Ian

    1. Taylor Grace

      I’m so glad the words allowed connection and release. I wish you didn’t feel any of it at all.

      Yes of course you can share. I hope that it provides expansion of knowledge to those unaware and comfort to those that can relate.

      Congratulations on your sobriety and continuing to sort through the emotions instead of numbing everything.

      Happy early 60th birthday to you! Wishing you clarity, peace and happiness in the years ahead xoxo

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