Beauty

So much beauty is in the eyes of a survivor, you just have to remind yourself to see it.

xoxo

♥️me

6/29/2019

@thebrokeninsideofme.com

Captured

How did I take 800 photos in 2 hours?!

Well it all started with……
The tiniest little baby frog hopping across the patio
So cute
Oh look a bird just landed a foot from me to grab a bug for breakfast
Oooooooh goodness is that a snake, better zoom in and take 50 pictures just to be certain
And there are some lizards doing an intimidation dance off while intermittently displaying their big red throats
Speaking of red, look at my Easter lily so pretty better take 100 photos just to ensure I get 1 good one while wondering why it is still blooming as the other 4 look practically dead
Oh my goodness the jasmine along the fence smells amazing and really is a simple but pretty flower, better snap a few pics of that too
Hmmmm interesting, the jasmine is crawling with tiny creatures
An all blue Dragonfly, how cool better take a couple pics, dangit sit still for 2 seconds so I can get a clear pic
And cue my dog to start running, jumping, lunging and chasing the dragonfly, hilarity ensues, better capture this with another 100 or so pictures
I just realized the dragonfly is flying, the dog is pursuing it, I am furiously following both, and my other furbaby is closely following me
All for the perfect picture
It also occurred to me in that moment, If my neighbor coincidentally looked out their upstairs window at that moment, pretty certain she thinks I am a wackadoo
I’ve been called worse so no worries there
Oh look my Doberman is doing the downward dog, (Adho mukha svanasana yoga pose) with the majority of her body in the jasmine bush
That dobie booty sticking out, her nubby little tail wagging furiously and I certainly better capture this via 300 more pics so I can share with my Yogi Master at our next class!
800 pictures later
I see the beauty in it all
It’s the simple things that capture my attention

xoxo
6/29/2019
Thebrokeninsideofme

Ignited Fantasy

This feeling is uncomfortable
Yet intriguing at the same time
Everything inside me is screaming
Touch me
Walk away
Hold me
No run
Take me
Leave me
Want me for the beautiful disaster that I am

I’m torn between the depths of this exploration
More at peace living just on the surface
Fascination compels me to let go and move forward
I’m just not sure I can
My heart racing
I don’t understand
Am I overthinking it
How would I walk away
This could be my chance
What am I doing
Carelessly falling
Or
Sucking on the barrel of a loaded gun

I am more accustomed to feeling comfortably numb
This is not who I’ve ever been
How did I get here
Am I really that dumb
I’m just being reckless
Maybe even stupid
I can’t or maybe I don’t want to understand
Never have I surrendered
Too strong
Too loyal
Too stubborn
Too broken
No one would ever love who I really am
A beautiful angel
A devil within
I’ve be hiding so long
But he makes me feel weak
No one has ever cared
I just needed to be who they thought I am
It’s all exhausting

My emotions are going crazy
Why now
I don’t do emotional
Fuck how is this happening
Why not yesterday
I can’t understand
Maybe I’ve said too much
Perhaps I haven’t said enough
Second guessing every word
Why did I open up
Why did I let him in
Will he use it all against me
Or will he be the one that finally understands

Be patient but please see
I’ve never let anyone this close
And the thought of it being gone in an instant is more than I could stand

What is it
Why this man
Why do I crave him so deeply
Drifting between fantasy & reality
His lips on mine
His hands around my waist
He picks me up
There is nothing between us
Not even the sunlight could penetrate through the lack of space
Against the wall
Nothing could break us apart
He thrust himself inside me
All that can be heard is the moaning
Our sweat has intertwined
Covering us
It’s dripping and slowly tracing my body
The raw passion completely consuming us
His smell makes me want more
I taste him
This is heaven
A secret know only to us
Days turn to night and we are still completely entangled in one another
He devours me completely
Never getting enough
This is the way I want forever to end

xoxo
3/26/2018

Thebrokeninsideofme

Perspective

Writing is about sharing your thoughts with the world
You are not going on their path
They are going on yours
You aren’t seeing through their eyes
They are seeing through yours

If it has deep emotion
They will see it
They will feel it
They will go through it too

Believe it or not, everyone is going through the same things
The only difference is perspective

You are sharing from your perspective
It doesn’t even matter if they like or not
It is more about feeling it
The emotional connection to the words
How the writing made you feel
Writing isn’t confined to right or wrong
It is just sharing perspective
Sharing how you feel
Like or not


6/24/2019
Spoken by my 16 teen year old and I had to write it down and share because it is profound.

Perspective

Six Word Story

My canvas is painted with words.

#amazinggraceandpersonalspace

#thebrokeninsideofme

#six-word-story

http://tonyburgess1969.net/author/tonyburgess1969/

Six Word Story

Words create emotions
Emotions create stories

#six-word-story

#amazinggraceandpersonalspace

#thebrokeninsideofme 20160411_131247810

Their Love Story

Their love story isn’t over
Today just began the next chapter, there is no end

Their love story was built on the strongest foundation
They held tight to the promises made to each other on their wedding day
They stood strong in their faith, their marriage and their love for one another

Their love story surpassed trying times as well as the difficult years
The kind of love story seen in movies
Except this was their love story and it was real
It was love without hesitation, and always given unconditionally
It was stronger than the limits of this world as well as all their fears

Their love story continues
They are finally together again
He had to leave without her
And it has now already been one year
For her it seemed like an eternity
As she was desperately missing him
After all, their love story had already spanned well over 50 years
Life without him was too much for her to bare
She stayed behind as long as she could, in order to ease our family’s despair
Almost as a final display of her love, kindness and compassion
Unfortunately for us, her body and broken heart couldn’t take anymore

On June 22, 2019 she closed her eyes one last time and reached for his hand
He was there waiting
They are together again
Ready for the next chapter
That began with a celebration of her arrival
He embraces her tight
They spend tonight dancing between the stars
In the presence of God
This is their love story
And how today it begins again

xoxo
RIP Grandma Young
❤ me

The Broken Inside of Me

6/22/2019

Complex PTSD

Do you really know what it is?
It’s so much more than a label
It’s more than a mental illness
It’s closer to a death sentence
It’s sheer terror
It’s sleepless nights
It’s guarding
It’s being on constant alert
It’s exhausting
It’s self blame
It’s not trusting
It’s fear
It’s panic
It’s a noise
It’s a smell
It’s a reminder
It’s uncontrollable crying
It’s night terrors
It’s waking up struggling to breathe
It’s isolation
It’s mental torture
It’s self destructive
It’s anger
Its nausea
It’s headaches
It’s not eating
It’s eating too much
It’s being sad
It’s shutting down
It’s fantasizing of running away
It’s getting lost in your thoughts
It’s a need to be heard but not wanting to speak
It’s procrastinating
It’s searching for a purpose
It’s clinging to unrealistic expectations
It’s losing hours & days
It’s complete disparage
It’s utter desperation
It’s chaos
It’s hiding
It’s putting others comfort above your own
It’s a lifetime of fighting
It’s being strong while feeling your weakest
It’s shifting between being totally numb to heightened awareness
It’s life or death
It’s social awkwardness
It’s paralyzing fear
It’s aimlessly wandering
It’s wearing your pain
It’s disclosing nothing
It’s having to be in control
It’s mental torture
It’s visual scars that constantly remind you
It’s like treading water
It’s physical pain
It’s backing out of commitments
It’s needing recovery time after having to be 100% present at functions
It’s pretending to be fine
It’s feeling like a burden
It’s negative voices in your head
It’s overwhelming
It’s overthinking
It’s overanalyzing ever word
It’s rejection
It’s being uncomfortable in your own skin
It’s feeling like a failure
It’s trying to escape the horrid flashbacks
It’s feeling unlovable
It’s contemplating seeing another day
It’s wondering who you could have been
It’s failing
It’s self hate
It’s avoiding people
It’s not answering the phone
It’s not responding to messages
It’s closing the blinds
It’s not answering the door
It’s unforgiving
It’s panic attacks
It’s anxiety
It’s depression
It’s disassociation
It’s hating yourself
It’s restlessness
It’s excitement that turns to fear
It’s countless surgeries
It’s living around the pain
It’s sexual disfunction
It’s blinding rage
It’s damaged relationships
It’s being criticized
It’s being pushed away
It’s being excluded
It’s hopelessness
It’s the echo of your pounding heart
It’s never finding your way
It’s wishing it would take you
It’s being hypersensitive to body language
It’s feeling sorry that your spouse has to attempt to decipher your mood
It’s long days and even longer nights spent lost with no direction
It’s praying for a better day
It’s searching for a distraction
It’s knowing nothing can change
It’s watching your life as an outsider
It’s just wanting to be left alone
It’s knowing this is the best it will get
It’s finding comfort in the pain
It’s fight or flight daily
It’s lost moments
It’s rumors
It’s victim blaming
It’s hearing their whispers
It’s being called crazy
It’s judgment and being told it’s just attention seeking
It’s complex because it affects every part of who I am
It’s so much more than this EVERY SINGLE DAY
Speaking only from my perspective and experience since I live it every minute of my life.

xoxo

The Broken Inside of Me
6/12/19