Just Breathe

Some days I just want to forget

Take a step forward

Learn to be truly free

Except it continues to be difficult

Thanks to the memories that imprison me

Why is it so difficult

I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe

The darkness within tugging at me

It sits just below the surface

So many things trigger it

I just don’t understand

Why did it have to be me

Pieced together like a pretty little package

Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me

In an instant my world goes dark

Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside

In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath

Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately

Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe

Seems so simple

Should be

Just not in those moments

And not so easy

I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief

When all the broken pieces fall into place

Will they ever finally set me free

Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be

So many years, my life since birth honestly

All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories

Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me

I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me

I learned to hide make myself small

Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be

Don’t say a word of what you have seen

Followed by threats of more torture & death

I waited for an escape

I prayed for someone to come save me

Death started to feel like my only way out

I know I thought about it more than once

Wishing for eternal life ever after

The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure

A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me

Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me

My heart is racing faster

My hands are trembling and shaking

My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me

My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me

My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe

A chill of despair is beginning to consume me

If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to

It’s not something I’ve ever taken further

I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running

My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it

What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface

How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be

I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.

Written By

The Broken inside of me

8 thoughts on “Just Breathe

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  1. “How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be”

    This is so profound. When told by a chaplain that I probably have “complex PTSD” she suggested seeking help from someone skilled in “trauma-informed therapy”. I have yet to take such a step as even contemplating trusting someone so directly with the pain is too overwhelming.

    As your other commenter said I also hope that you find the path you need. I often find an outlet through music or stories, either written or on the screen, for the emotions that I cannot just let out randomly. The greatest source of peace & hope has been the Lord, but He often uses other’s tales to help me get a grasp on my own…

  2. In moments like these the mind cannot focus. Moving from one thought to the next in rapid succession. There is no peace because the mind is stuck in fight or flight mode. Each person is different and requires a different solution. Sometimes external stimuli help focus on something other than the storm of thought. Some rely on someone they trust to help them through it. And some need a project, something to fix or build that requires a high level of focus. I hope you find your path.

    1. Thank you, I have become accustomed to and even comfortable in a constant state of fight or flight, as it is all I’ve ever known. This is something that I have learned how to manage and even redirect my thoughts but will always be a work in progress. I am unable to relinquish control to anyone, just another coping technique I’ve picked up amongst the broken pieces of me.

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