Just Breathe

Some days I just want to forget

Take a step forward

Learn to be truly free

Except it continues to be difficult

Thanks to the memories that imprison me

Why is it so difficult

I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe

The darkness within tugging at me

It sits just below the surface

So many things trigger it

I just don’t understand

Why did it have to be me

Pieced together like a pretty little package

Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me

In an instant my world goes dark

Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside

In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath

Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately

Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe

Seems so simple

Should be

Just not in those moments

And not so easy

I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief

When all the broken pieces fall into place

Will they ever finally set me free

Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be

So many years, my life since birth honestly

All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories

Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me

I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me

I learned to hide make myself small

Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be

Don’t say a word of what you have seen

Followed by threats of more torture & death

I waited for an escape

I prayed for someone to come save me

Death started to feel like my only way out

I know I thought about it more than once

Wishing for eternal life ever after

The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure

A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me

Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me

My heart is racing faster

My hands are trembling and shaking

My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me

My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me

My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe

A chill of despair is beginning to consume me

If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to

It’s not something I’ve ever taken further

I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running

My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it

What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface

How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be

I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.

Written By

The Broken inside of me

Beginnings

The perfect little baby

A few sprigs of blonde hair

Big hazel eyes for all the world to see

Following the lights

Tracing the shapes

Fascinating just to watch

After all, it was his very first time to see

Sounds fill the room

Laughter, crying, beeping and noise from the machines

Yet he hears a familiar voice

Yes, it’s his mommy & daddy

It immediately begins to soothe his nervous energy

New noises capturing his attention

Listening and learning, just trying to understand

A big day of new beginnings

A special love as you capture our heart

Our family is now complete, with our newest little addition,

Mommy + Daddy + Baby = Perfect little family of 3

Excitement, opportunities, growing, and all the while making memories

But with so many things to hear and see, it will take a lifetime of new experiences for it all to fall into place

Like a puzzle, life will fit perfectly, there will be missing pieces, you will search high and low for the perfect match and often along the way you will reach out for mommy and daddy’s hand to help guide you, pick you up when you are in pieces and for those moments when all you need is the comfort and support of those who love you unconditionally.

Growing up is a beautiful experience and scattered along the path are unforgettable moments, heartbreaking sadness, laughing until you cry and every emotion Inbetween.

I know you are anxious

I know you are ready

I know you have been waiting your whole life for this moment

I know you can taste the freedom

I know you look forward to starting on your own

I also know there will be nights when all you want is to be back home

I also know there will be a little voice in your head telling you to clean up after yourself

I also know it might get lonely in that big ole world all alone

Just remember you dont have to bare it all by yourself

Just remember we are here right where you left us, missing you too

Just remember you are our biggest accomplishment

You have made us so proud

You are beautifully and wonderfully made

You can

You have

You will

You are

You got this

And we got you

Forever and Always

Your biggest fan

xoxo

❤ mom

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