It’s Fine

You don’t think it’s real

It’s fine

But don’t tell me how to feel

Minimize my pain

It’s fine

You are only adding to my shame

Point out all my flaws

It’s fine

I’m doing my best, oh wait I guess I’m a lost cause

I guess, forever alone is what I should be

It’s fine

I guess there’s no running from my destiny

Why take the time to inquire & listen to the brokeness that is me

It’s fine

And now hurt again despite taking years, I did let you in finally

Hold it all against me

It’s fine

Not like I had a choice to be beaten, starved, raped, tortured, held captive repeatedly

You won’t ever understand me

It’s fine

If I could erase it all from my memory, I would but not for you, for my own sanity

All those years I didn’t learn

It’s fine

I guess now it’s too late to go back to take a different turn

You say I am no longer strong like I use to be

It’s fine

My strength is what lead me to the point of asking for help or I would cease to be

You have no idea and say I’m living a lie

It’s fine

Just once shut your mouth and try living one day thru my eyes

I have no friends, you’ve made that clear

It’s fine

I was just venting and wanted someone to just lend me an ear

My emotions are numb

It’s fine

I’ve always teetered between running & choking on a gun

I stuff the feelings deep down inside

It’s fine

It’s the only thing I learned other than to hide

Talking on the phone brings me intense anxiety

It’s fine

But you have wants and continue to care less about my emotional needs

Your temper is the go-to excuse

It’s fine

I’ll sit here reminded of what not to say next time, thanks to your clues

Two different people we are, I definitely agree

It’s fine

I just want to love, trust you and know you have my back 100% without feeling so much insanity

Not speaking a word, hopeless, shaking, exhausted, isolating, & heart still racing

It’s fine

At least With Complex PTSD I always know what I’m facing

You say we are at an impasse

It’s fine

My heart is completely shattered but once again my feelings come last

Twist my words to suit you perfectly

It’s fine

I take the blame for the imperfect woman you see

We can’t move forward, go back in time or happily pretend life is great

It’s fine

Commitment has a way of twisting Love into feeling more like a trap

I doubt you took the time to actually read

It’s fine

No depth, reflection or understanding

Continuing to feed

The Broken Pieces, that are me

xoxo

Me

20 thoughts on “It’s Fine

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  1. Wow, where to start with this one.. I think this bothered me a bit because there are two things that make my brain spasm when I ask a lady how she is feeling. 1. I’m ok. (In my mind this translates to “not ok at all but I dont trust/love you enough to tell you how I am really feeling” yah.. just icky. 2. I’m fine. (Translation “not fine at all but dont feel safe enough to tell you how I am really feeling”) the mixture of sharing personal feelings with “I am fine” was both nerve jangling and emphatic all at once.

    1. I’m suppose what I’m attempting to say is something closer to, it’s an uncomfortable topic to speak about and hard for others to listen to. I have not found one person in my 42 years that has given me the freedom to speak freely about my pain.

      I have no problem speaking about anything else in my world, just not about me.

      1. I understand. There is a lot about myself that I have not shared with anyone. I am trying to change that. It’s one of the reasons I started the blog. In my writing I can be unapologetically myself and dont have to worry about upsetting anyone.

      2. “I have not found one person in my 42 years that has given me the freedom to speak freely about my pain.”

        This makes me profoundly sad on your behalf…& yet I relate So Much to what you’ve said. Cauterizing emotions & detaching is how I’ve coped for so long that it’s practically second nature.

        I’m so thankful that you can let out some of the pain here in your blog. I hope your catharsis is also healing & restorative. You are an inspiration!

  2. I had to read this again
    you have so much to offer! your life is one that I would like to know better.
    So many have seen so much pain but never find what they need in order to find the light that is in them no matter how dim it has become.

  3. It’s my experience that, when I’m in a dark place and needs friends the most, they are the most scarce. I think that people think that they want to listen, but so few of them can.

  4. I read this and my heart aches for you. What a history! Your struggles to walk a “normal” path while fighting this constant battle of wanting to end it…I often think that there are no stronger people than the ones who struggle not to give up every day. I have met and spoken with a few people who struggle with the idea of ending it all on an almost daily basis. I want to help heal them so much, but I can at least listen and share my honest concern and love for them. I know that I don’t know you, but I want you to know you are not alone. You are loved and I am sending a virtual hug to you. It’s not much, but I hope it gives you a little hope to go on today. 💐

    1. Thank you so much, for reading, for feeling, for commenting, for your kindness, and for you compassion ♥️ I appreciate it all more than words could express. And thank you for being the person that listens and actually hears the words spoken from those in your life battling daily. Honestly, just being heard is one of the greatest things for someone struggling, as we are able to speak the words that are stealing lives daily. xoxo

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