As I lay here awake thinking
Keeping it all inside
They live their lives
I hate the trauma
And how it has imprisoned me
“Get over it, let it go”
It’s not even possible
How could I expect them to know
It’s weight suffocates me
At times I often struggle to breathe
I want so badly to be set free
It’s depth consumes me
My heart races
My body shaking
My lungs fail me
My stomach turns
I can’t stand still
I know it’s still chasing me
Will I ever stop running
It’s the only way I know how to deal
From birth my life has been torture
I have been fighting my whole life to stay alive despite all your efforts
You broke me mentally
You ignited my pain
You robbed me of caring
Each of these still constantly circling my brain
All I ever learned was to be fake
Hold no one accountable
It’s your fault
No one is coming to save me
How am I ever suppose to heal
This is nothing fixed with a pill
I mourn the life I never had
Wishing to be born to a different mom & dad
That doesn’t even matter
Nothing I can even do
I live today despite what they put me through
No one really knows who I am
I’m cold
I’m hateful
I’m lost
I’m broken
I often hate who I am
Those around me haven’t a clue
I spend my time hiding
So I can help mend the broken pieces that are a result of you
In the moments I think I can’t go on
When I’m lost in my mind
Tired of being strong
Tired of existing
Exhausted from fighting
Struggling just to be
The eternal suffering brings about thoughts of suicide
Drifting between the options, shoud I, could I
I’ve never taken the thoughts deeper due to fear that one day nothing will stop me
Then I will cease to be here
But In the end
Only one thought remains
I value my life more than having to continue on and carry the pain
These are the thoughts that let me live to see another day
I’m sad and tortured
I don’t know what to do
I should be used to it
Since it’s nothing new
A beautiful Angel
A horrendous devil
Both rip at my soul
Eternally conflicted
Lost somewhere in the middle
That’s where you’ll find me
Shattered pieces looking for glue
Don’t tell me to cope
Don’t say move on
Don’t tell me I’m fine
I can’t hear “leave it in the past” one more time
You would say something different if the broken was inside of you
xoxo
♥️me
June 13, 2017
Thebrokeninsideofme
odylicious
Thanks for stopping by and liking and following. Enjoying getting to know your blog.
amazinggraceandpersonalspace
Thank you!
odylicious
Your writing is so beautiful and painful all at the same time, it makes it hard to read, knowing that you are hurting. I hope that writing it brings you a little bit of peace. I think it’s good that you can share it with others now, maybe it will help some. Sending good thoughts your way this Labor Day weekend.
amazinggraceandpersonalspace
I appreciate the kindness and depth of your words. It is truly therapeutic to finally release the thoughts that have imprisoned my mind. I have found that, I am not alone in this pain and to connect with others via my writing is simply amazing. It offers no judgment, no fear just compassion and acceptance. Thank you again for being apart of that, every little bit releases something in me that enables a little more power and perspective to keep sharing, cleansing my soul.
Valerie Curren
“You would say something different if the broken was inside of you”
Wow, just wow. I felt like so much of what you shared here in the early days/years of special needs parenting. Thank you for sharing from your most inward pain in such a profoundly beautiful way. I hope you are finding some relief from the burden of this heartache as your articulate that complex inward journey from brokenness to beautiful. God be with you & continue to give you the grace & strength to press on…