As I lay here awake thinking

Keeping it all inside

They live their lives

I hate the trauma

And how it has imprisoned me

“Get over it, let it go”

It’s not even possible

How could I expect them to know

It’s weight suffocates me

At times I often struggle to breathe

I want so badly to be set free

It’s depth consumes me

My heart races

My body shaking

My lungs fail me

My stomach turns

I can’t stand still

I know it’s still chasing me

Will I ever stop running

It’s the only way I know how to deal

From birth my life has been torture

I have been fighting my whole life to stay alive despite all your efforts

You broke me mentally

You ignited my pain

You robbed me of caring

Each of these still constantly circling my brain

All I ever learned was to be fake

Hold no one accountable

It’s your fault

No one is coming to save me

How am I ever suppose to heal

This is nothing fixed with a pill

I mourn the life I never had

Wishing to be born to a different mom & dad

That doesn’t even matter

Nothing I can even do

I live today despite what they put me through

No one really knows who I am

I’m cold

I’m hateful

I’m lost

I’m broken

I often hate who I am

Those around me haven’t a clue

I spend my time hiding

So I can help mend the broken pieces that are a result of you

In the moments I think I can’t go on

When I’m lost in my mind

Tired of being strong

Tired of existing

Exhausted from fighting

Struggling just to be

The eternal suffering brings about thoughts of suicide

Drifting between the options, shoud I, could I

I’ve never taken the thoughts deeper due to fear that one day nothing will stop me

Then I will cease to be here

But In the end

Only one thought remains

I value my life more than having to continue on and carry the pain

These are the thoughts that let me live to see another day

I’m sad and tortured

I don’t know what to do

I should be used to it

Since it’s nothing new

A beautiful Angel

A horrendous devil

Both rip at my soul

Eternally conflicted

Lost somewhere in the middle

That’s where you’ll find me

Shattered pieces looking for glue

Don’t tell me to cope

Don’t say move on

Don’t tell me I’m fine

I can’t hear “leave it in the past” one more time

You would say something different if the broken was inside of you



June 13, 2017


5 thoughts on “Imprisoned

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  1. “You would say something different if the broken was inside of you”

    Wow, just wow. I felt like so much of what you shared here in the early days/years of special needs parenting. Thank you for sharing from your most inward pain in such a profoundly beautiful way. I hope you are finding some relief from the burden of this heartache as your articulate that complex inward journey from brokenness to beautiful. God be with you & continue to give you the grace & strength to press on…

  2. Your writing is so beautiful and painful all at the same time, it makes it hard to read, knowing that you are hurting. I hope that writing it brings you a little bit of peace. I think it’s good that you can share it with others now, maybe it will help some. Sending good thoughts your way this Labor Day weekend.

    1. I appreciate the kindness and depth of your words. It is truly therapeutic to finally release the thoughts that have imprisoned my mind. I have found that, I am not alone in this pain and to connect with others via my writing is simply amazing. It offers no judgment, no fear just compassion and acceptance. Thank you again for being apart of that, every little bit releases something in me that enables a little more power and perspective to keep sharing, cleansing my soul.

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