Lost Somewhere Inbetween

The sun is setting

My mind begins to wander

Dissecting the day

The emotions rush back to me

Sadness

Hopelessness

Despair

Anger

Loneliness

Shame

Unable to count the times I have told myself

They hate you

You will never be good enough

You are a failure

You will always be broken

It’s your fault

They deserve better

He deserves better

You suck at everything

Why can’t you just be better

There are moments of light that soothe the pain, while distracting my thoughts

Casting a ray of sunshine

The intertwining darkness and destruction overlap

Suffocating the light and strength

Mixed emotions

Struggling to just be

As the beauty of the day dips into the darkness of night

Eternally conflicted

Struggling within

I might be lost

Still searching for peace

However, I am thankful to have seen another day

And the beauty of the sunset isn’t lost on me.

August 31, 2018


The Ugly Truth

I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.

I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.

I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.

I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.

Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.

Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.

The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.

I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.

If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.

But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.

You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.

I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.

Where was my protector & biggest fan.

The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.

I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.

Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.

No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bear as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system and no justice will ever prevail for me.


xoxo
♥️me

Thebrokeninsideofme