The sun is setting
My mind begins to wander
Dissecting the day
The emotions rush back to me
Unable to count the times I have told myself
They hate you
You will never be good enough
You are a failure
You will always be broken
It’s your fault
They deserve better
He deserves better
You suck at everything
Why can’t you just be better
There are moments of light that soothe the pain, while distracting my thoughts
Casting a ray of sunshine
The intertwining darkness and destruction overlap
Suffocating the light and strength
Struggling to just be
As the beauty of the day dips into the darkness of night
I might be lost
Still searching for peace
However, I am thankful to have seen another day
And the beauty of the sunset isn’t lost on me.
August 31, 2018
I was born into a life no child should ever have to experience.
I have never known a Father’s love but instead a Father’s rage, addiction, violence, and being sexually abused.
I was only 2 when he stole a bigger part of me.
I was too young & didn’t understand but was left feeling confused.
I was only 4 when he ripped me apart physically.
Years & years of laughter, love, & joy were not what would be in store for me.
Instead i have faced countless surgeries, unbearable pain and eventually heartbreaking infertility.
Through no fault of my own just another thing he took from me.
The physical scars have distorted my body.
But it’s the emotional wreckage that has continued to haunt me.
I often wonder what that little girl would have grown up to be.
If only she hadn’t been so viciously stolen from me.
She had no time for playtime, fairytales, hopes or dreams.
But instead staying alive & keeping her sanity would be her biggest priority.
You may think she is a survivor & how true that might be
But it certainly doesn’t feel that simple with the daily reminders & horrific memories.
I was only 7 when she abandoned me.
A mother’s love,that I did not see.
Where was my protector & biggest fan.
The person who was suppose to build me up & tell me I can.
Horribly failed me in the short time we had together.
I only wished that she could have loved me better.
What was so wrong with me that my own birth parents could cause so much damage & destruction.
Not stopping to think about how all this would forever affect me.
I continue today living through all the repercussions.
What a tragedy at how my life started off to be.
All because they put addiction, abuse, violence, wants & selfish needs first instead of me.
Years of therapy, doctors & medication could never replace the shattered pieces of my heart, soul & innocence that they have stolen from me.
No justice was served or consequence for them to bare
Although apart they live worry free
No second thought of the damage caused to me
It is my burden to bear as they live their life vicariously
Wronged yet again through the system and no justice will ever prevail for me.